HGTV Pitchfest!

house burning

Ever since shopping for a home in the shady, overcrowded snake pit that is the Southern California housing market, I’ve developed a fixation with HGTV that can only be described as compulsive optimism. I don’t watch HGTV so much as I just stare at it, the way a shipwrecked sailor might stare hopelessly into endless miles of ocean. Some day, I imagine, I’ll be that prick who complains about the curtains when buying a second home in Turks and Caicos.

As far as anyone can tell, there seems to be two HGTV shows– a buying show and a renovating show. Most of their programming falls into these categories. This makes for extremely diverse programming, but I often find myself thinking of ideas for shows that would work “outside the box” while still adhering to the HGTV model and then telling my wife, “You know what would be a really rad show?” To which she usually doesn’t respond.

If anyone from HGTV is reading my blog, please consider these five show ideas, which I have carefully put together:

1. Pedo House Hunters

Uncomfortable real estate agents attempt to find the perfect home for registered child molesters. It can’t be easy finding a decent property that isn’t within a mile of any elementary schools, especially if the deviant wants an open floor plan with modern fixtures but doesn’t want high HOA fees.

2. 15 Hipsters

Think “Queer Eye” except with hipsters in houses. The homeowner would essentially agree to host 15 hipsters for a dinner party where the smug, pretentious little shits would spend the evening mocking the interior design, decoration, food choices, music choices, and any attempts at civil discourse.

3. The Property Brothers Bang Chicks

This isn’t what you’re thinking, unless you’re imagining a show where the Property Brothers drive around in expensive cars to various night clubs picking up women, taking them home, sleeping with them, then kicking them the fuck out the next morning.

*I’d also add, I’ve met enough single contractors over the last few months that I truly believe you could spin this off into a match-making game show where lonely contractors are paired up on dates with Property Brother leftovers

4. Something Involving Traps

Traps are hella fucking awesome. Houses with traps, as featured in the classic horror film “The People Under the Stairs“, the underrated Playstation classic “Tecmo’s Deception“, and the popular John Hughes film “Home Alone“, would make an awesome show if it focused on designers carefully installing mechanisms for pain and death within a home, then just tempting the hell out of local burglars to try and rob the place.

5. Actual Home Buying Experience

“House Hunters” typically features one caustic couple being presented with three home buying options, each one with various pro’s and con’s attached to the property. The couples discuss what they like and dislike about the property, and at the end of the show the couple decides which house they will purchase. “Actual Home Buying Experience” would feature couples looking at 30 houses, each one barely within their budget and featuring a minimum of their desired amenities. The “Real” House Hunters wouldn’t get much time to discuss anything, lest they lose the property to the countless dozens of other potential buyers making fast cash offers. In the end, the couple would be grateful to just have some home, any home, to move into so they can end their countless arguments, finger-pointing, and drafting of offer letters that will likely go unread.


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