Since you got your promotion, you’ve neglected your blog and provided very few updates. There was a time when you regaled your readers with humorous anecdotes involving your crazy misadventures in Hollywood. You were a hilarious misogynist who told us stories about drunken agents and stabbing your prick of a boss with a syringe. And while some of your readers were barnacles clinging to your “dingy” in hopes of a grabbing a script read, there were many of us who whole heartedly supported your daily updates as a means for you to slack off when you had nothing better to do.
You’ve changed, and since I don’t know you, I can only guess that it’s the result of alcoholism. Today you probably spend more time with your face soaking in a toilet then you do at a computer. Camden, you have a drinking problem. Which is why I’ve arranged this blog intervention. You need to know how your behavior is affecting those around you. Not only your readers, but the people in your life who probably care. Because we want Camden back. Not this shiftless, drunken hobo who probably smells like a brewery and never posts anything. You’re a thirsty dog who needs help.
Camden, your drinking problem has caused you to post less than a dozen updates in the past six months. We will do everything in our power to help you, including helping you to access treatment. But we cannot link your page any longer if you can’t pull yourself out of the gutter, clean the piss out of your beard and rid your apartment of Thunderbird. We’re only enabling you with our silence, and I fear that every moment of repose is a moment in which you can drink yourself into a depraved rapture where you touch children. I can picture the fear in their little faces as I type this, cowering in your shadow as you unfasten your belt buckle, grinning like a hungry wolf.
If you will not accept treatment today for your alcoholism, I’m going to have to put the welfare of the children first, and start looking at other options. We will cut off your alcohol supply, as well as your underground pipeline to Cambodia which provides you with a fresh stock of kiddies to grope. You may have destroyed your future being such a goddamn lush, but they can still have one.
Please Camden, if you have any conscience left, or any part of you that isn’t completely shit-hammered, come back to the blogosphere and continue the work that you started. You can still have a future. One that involves funny stories about lazy interns, not Cambodian children on crystal meth.
The choice is yours Camden, so what’s it going to be? Your return to the Hollywood blogosphere, or drinking and touching children where their bathing suit covers?
Praying for your black soul,