M. Knight Shyamalan attached to “Living Spaces” commercial

There was a time when great films from M. Knight Shyamalan flowed like smoke from the peace pipe. The tracks of our moccasins led to the cinema where we would watch his films and celebrate, as our ancestors had during the age of Hitchcock and Spielberg.  There was much joy. But then one day the man’s soul turned to shadow, and his artistic vision became a poison, and many filmgoers were lost.

They say he went crazy, and that his ego had become as big as a mountain. He would make outrageous claims that he could play for the Lakers, and took on projects that fed his ego instead of his craft. Even The Great Spirit could not understand the point of “Lady in the Water”, and stopped the DVD halfway through to search internet porn.

And as audiences squinted their minds to see greatness in the first five minutes of “The Happening”, it became clear that whatever spirit walked with Shyamalan had either fled in terror from Mark Walberg’s performance or caught smallpox and died. The director’s mind had become so infected with his own self-importance that he believed he could show men running from the wind and it wouldn’t make them laugh, and rewind, and show all their friends when they got together and were very drunk and in the mood to watch something terrible enough to laugh at.

Some said it was the end for Shyamalan. That a man who had made the worst film since “Plan 9” should not be allowed near a camera. That his balls should be placed in a blender and his asshole filled with broken glass. But he was given another chance. Even as he was kicked down the totem pole to film an adaptation of a Nickelodeon children’s cartoon he still found new ways to spread bile across the four corners of the Earth.

And so it was “The Last Airbender”…

What atrocities will the man commit next? Part of me fears that in a desperate attempt to reclaim his honor he’ll go ahead and make Unbreakable 2, which will be so terrible it will bleed through to the original Unbreakable, like how Phantom Menace destroyed all things Star Wars. What else will the horrible hack master do unto his legacy?

Vote.

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