Much like YouTube’s comment section, Netflix’s movie review section is chocked with the most moronic sub-humans that traipse this sweet Earth. I give you the first edition of Netflix User Reviews.
USER FQF 1571781’S REVIEW: A sweet,favorite chidrens that I have read hundreds of times was a screaming disappointment. I couldn’t even hear the dialog, just the screaming!!
-That hipster movie version of that ‘chidrens’ book that everyone says they absolutely love and causes me to remind them that they’re full grown adults and it’s time for them to recognize that it’s actually a pretty terrible story that teaches a terrible lesson to the audience it’s intended for.
Matt’s Translation: It seems that every movie I watch these days I can’t hear the dialogue. All I hear is the unexplained voiceover telling me to fondle myself in public and kill my family.
USER ABK 1751954’S REVIEW: I normally like the romantic comedy genre. Most recently, I watched IT’S COMPLICATED and found it to be delightfully funny. This movie was not funny, nor was it well-acted. In fact, much of the dialogue was difficult to follow due to the delivery and the Irish brogues. I laughed more watching the preview for the aforementioned film than I did throughout LEAP YEAR. In short, don’t waste your time.
-That movie that had a terrible poster that I kept thinking said ‘Leapy Ear’, which makes no sense.
Matt’s Translation: I normally like really retarded movies and I especially like watching them with my four cats and my porcelain angel collection, but this one had some dirty foreigner in it. Gross!
USER OHK 560131’S REVIEW: My husband isn’t much for romantic movies, but he enjoyed this one. He also loves to cook. It was a movie we could enjoy together.
-That movie that I insist is not a movie because it’s literally about a woman cooking from a cook book.
Matt’s Translation: My husband hates me and he hates his miserable life of being trapped in this godawful relationship, but because he’s a huge pussy and I’m a dominant, fat bitch, he has to do everything I say, including cook me super dinners. Every night I’ll make that gutless, neutered faggot watch whatever I tell him to and he’ll say nothing but thankee.
USER FOT 1010721’S REVIEW: What a depressing piece of garbage. I would not recommend this movie to anyone. The landscape was dull and dirty. The mother came off as a selfish wimp for the few scenes she was in. The father was an emotional wreck and the kid was whiny. The ending of the movie did not have any closure, it just looked like the kid was condemned to more years of the same crap. I have not read the book and after having seen the movie, do not intend to. Don’t waste your time with this trash.
-That movie that’s an adaptation of the incredible moralistic post apocalyptic novel centered around the always complex and fragile father-son relationship.
Matt’s Translation: Note to the filmmakers – it’s a movie about a father and son trying to survive a nuclear holocaust, not some depressing tear jerker like…Steel Magnolias! And since when is the post apocalypse filled with destruction and death? The mother was the worst. I never saw anyone hit the boo-hoo button as much as that lady! It’s the end of the world, not…not…Steel Magnolias! And the dad. Ugh! I get it! The world has ignited in a nuclear fire killing everyone you know and love, poisoning all the food and water, meanwhile everyone is trying to eat you and your son, but for Christ’s sake, get it together for 5 minutes would you? It’s the post apocalypse, not fucking Steel Magnolias! I hated the kid, too. There wasn’t anything this kid COULDN’T complain about.’I’m hungry!’ ‘I’m scared.’ SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING BABY! I don’t read books, and after seeing this, I’m most certainly never going to.
USER SZD 148585 REVIEW: The poster child for false advertising… that would sum up this film. I watched the trailers for this for about a year in theaters before the film came out. Whomever edited the trailer together should get an Oscar for false advertising, or perhaps the most that was ever made out of so little to work with. Here is the real review: Best trailer for the worst movie… ever.
-That movie where Viggo Mortensen owns a diner then he kills those dudes super badass like then he bangs his wife on the steps and makes me feel really awkward because of how arousing I find it then William Hurt is in the movie for 5 minutes and gets an Oscar nomination.
Matt’s Translation: I sat in the movie theater for 365 days straight watching this trailer in a form of slow motion that was so slow it took me one entire year to complete it. Much like how I don’t understand the proper usage of whomever and whoever, I also don’t understand how a trailer works nor do I understand that it’s a marketing tool, not a movie’s identification badge. Here is the real review: I’m a complete fucking moron.