I'm an angry Smurf.

Okay, so you know how the Smurfs are tiny blue creatures that live in neat little mushroom houses in the middle of a magical forest?…

Right! It would absolutely be a fun and interesting visual location for a movie…

Yes, very much like Ron Howard’s ‘The Grinch’ adaptation, the sets and locations could be pretty neat to see…

Yeah, yeah, it would be fun to watch an actor portray Gargomel in his giant stone castle. Now shut up, stop saying things that make total sense, and listen to this…

What if the Smurfs get pushed into a tele-warp and end up in…Any guesses? Anyone? Well, how about NEW YORK FUCKING CITY, FAGGOTS! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!!! You see, the Smurfs, those little motherfuckers are used to the forest and all its magic and enchantment and shit, right? But New York City? There ain’t nothing like that in NYC. That shit’s going to be totally fucking foreign to them! They’re going to be all like, ‘WHHAAATTT THE ESSSSS?!!!’ Can you imagine the kinds of sitches they’re going to get into?! They’re going to be fish that find themselves WAY OUT of water! I mean, how’s a Smurf going to handle a taxi cab?!…I don’t care if it’s as uncreative as it is retarded! DEVELOPMENT MEETING OVER!!!!!! NOW GET ME MY COCAINE HAT AND GET OUT THERE AND COLLECT ALL THE CHILDREN’S MONEY, YOU COCKNECKS!



  1. I am going to take a wild shot in the dark, and guess that there’s going to be a shot where they look up in amazement at all those REALLY TALL BUILDINGS in New York, and then the camera will whirl around them artificially fast, because as D.W. Griffith Homer Simpson taught us – everything is funnier in fast motion.

    Also, moviegoers forget that New York City has REALLY TALL BUILDINGS like, every three months, so they are always freshly astonished right along with whatever small town girl/time-traveling medieval knight/wacky space alien has found themselves in New York this time. ALL HAIL ORIGINALITY!

    • You think those buildings are tall, wait until you see how it all looks to a smurf as he’s maneuvering through the shuffling feet of busy New Yorkers!

      Because hip hop is still so new and exotic, I think it would be DARING if they showed a smurf rapping. And I think the public just might be ready for that. Also, I can’t imagine what “Fashion Week” would be like without a visit from Vanity Smurf. And I’m seeing a greasy cab driver, or possibly a real “New Yawker” dock worker, standing outside a deli, minding his own business when suddenly – a smurf walks past! And so he turns to the guy standing next to him and says, “Ay, Louie? You see dat?” And when Louie doesn’t reaffirm what he thinks he saw, he’ll look at his pastrami or whatever and shake his head.

      • Maybe, to make a clever “hip with the times” joke about the Smurfs’ size, the trailer will use Flo Rida’s “Low”, at which point I will scream and pull off my own head like the failed prototype robot in ROBOCOP 2.

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