i LiKe Moovies

We just upgraded out home theater, so I’m really excited to talk about some of the films my wife and I have recently enjoyed on our new system. It’s such a nice treat to get to enjoy a good film!

THE HURT LOCKER

I chose this film based on a false premise which I extracted from the film’s title using my own filthy imagination. I guess I should have known that Red Box doesn’t rent those kinds of movies. This is a movie about a bomb squad in Iraq, more specifically, an arrogant hotshot who buys pirated movies from that Jarfur kid from Aladdin. To be honest, I would have enjoyed this film better with the sound off pretending that it was some kind of live-action Metroid adaptation. There are thousands of war films out there and I’m still not sure what this film brings to that genre except more liberal guilt. It’s not that I don’t think this film deserved Best Picture, it’s that I think this movie should have never even been nominated or made. The film opens with the first Metroid-hunter donning the blaster suit, and after failing to defuse a bomb, running away and getting killed by the bomb. This begs the question, why did he wear the suit to begin with?

“Sometimes you just gotta take what war gives you. You swallow it deep down inside. You keep it in your hurt locker, man.”

That’s not actually dialogue from the film, but to be honest, nothing really stood out to me in this movie but the Metroid suit.

THE ROAD

A masterpiece. Cormac McCarthy’s tale of struggle in the face of overwhelming hopelessness is the quintessential metaphor for the unconditional positive regard of parenthood. Visually stunning, hauntingly poetic, and lead by a brilliant performance by Viggo Mortenson, The Road could not have put my wife any less in the mood. Instead of accepting my advances, she just cried and cried and carried on about the film’s rich themes of humanity and the universal truths of morality. The film was so intense that the three glasses of wine I convinced her to drink throughout only seemed to exacerbate her feeling of melancholic reflection. By the film’s credit sequence I realized that any hope of ending my evening as I had planned, with dinner, a film, and a good, thorough rodgering were out of the question. The bond between Viggo Mortenson and his son was simply too strong to break my wife from her pensive daze. She only wanted to wrap herself in a blanket and think.

 

♪♫ I have no thumbs… I have no thumbs…♪

AN EDUCATION

This movie really demonstrates the difference between film reality and life reality, and the way the cultures of Britian and America view each other. Because typically when a European man wants to sleep with a young girl he doesn’t dazzle her parents, steal her heart, and whisk her away to France, he just drops a rufie in her drink and leaves her next to the diving board back at the hotel. That’s pretty much the extent of the eurotrash mentality. That and FIFA World Cup soccer, but nobody gives a fuck about that. But I’m digressing. An Education was really more about studying hard for the big exam and making the grade.  The movie starts with a young girl waking up in the morning as her alarm gives out a warning, and she doesn’t think she’ll make it in time.  But when the teacher pops a test she knows she’s in a mess because the dog ate all her homework last night. If she can hand it in tomorrow it’ll be alright.

RED DEAD REDEMPTION

In truth, this isn’t a film so much as it’s a video game, but it’s still better than any movie or video game I’ve ever experienced. Essentially you’re this scarred up desert outlaw seeking revenge against your fat fuck of a brother who tries to murder you at the beginning of the game. From there, you ride around the old west shooting up banditos and fighting cougars. The landscape is one of the largest, most interactive environments ever created for a game, and everything about the land is distinct in its majestic, geo-precise beauty. Whether it’s the canyons of Texas of the scorched white sand in Mexico, you have plenty of environments to roam around while you’re chasing bounties and taking on missions. This is maybe the best thing ever developed by anybody and you can shoot a guy on a horse and sometimes when he falls he gets caught in the reigns and is dragged away. Also, you can tie up assholes and leave them to die on the train tracks. I find that this game is even better if you pretend the people you’re hunting in the game live real lives and have family and friends who would be deeply affected by the loss of their loved one. Then I shoot the fat sonofabitch in the belly and watch him squirm.

Advertisements

One thought on “i LiKe Moovies

  1. “I find that this game is even better if you pretend the people you’re hunting in the game live real lives and have family and friends who would be deeply affected by the loss of their loved one. Then I shoot the fat sonofabitch in the belly and watch him squirm.”

    Simply hilarious!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s