Diablo Cody

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “You can’t squeeze blood out of a deadbeat.” When I look at the apartment complex I live in and the trashy, ignorant, retarded monkey children that are my neighbors I reflect on how incompetence is one of man’s greatest means of rebellion. And while most people associate work with incompetence, some people are just incompetent at life. Incompetence always prevails. And while men have made great arguments against meaningless policy, pointing out their inconsistencies, lack of morality, and even counter-effectiveness, nothing causes authority to change policy faster than a mass of stupid people creating more work through their simple bumbling of trying to obey a law. That is the power of incompetence.

The following are the transgressions of my neighbors which I would like recorded in the halls of incompetence:

1. Using the hallway trash receptacles as personal trash bins because they’re too fucking lazy to walk downstairs to the dumpster.

2. Leaving shopping carts in the hallways (yes, the hallways) after pushing the cart from Albertson’s, down Ridge Route, through the parking lot, and even up the elevator because they’re too stupid and lazy to lift bags. We live on the 2nd floor, people!

3. Stealing light bulbs from the laundry room because hey, fuckit, I guess if it’s just hanging there from a plug that means it’s free.

4. Letting their children use the hallway as some kind of makeshift Crayola canvas.

5. Urinating in the pool… no, not when they’re actually in the pool, but when they’re standing next to it even though there’s a bathroom 15 yards away.

6. Bringing their drunken, sharpie-marker wearing pig women down to the spa without a proper license from animal control.

7. Blaring music I can only describe as oompah being raped by a pack of yelping hyenas.

8. Wearing jeans and flip-flops to the fitness room, then walking on the treadmill as slow as I would push a shopping cart through a grocery store. You aren’t burning any calories you fat idiot, fuck you.

9. Smelling worse than a morgue. Although a morgue would be preferable because at least they’d all be dead.

10. Hooting and hollering in some kind of high-pitched devilspeak that time the fat kid tried to do a backflip into the pool but instead broke his arm when his father should have been watching him but wasn’t because it was Saturday and he was curled in a blanket on a lawn chair asleep and it was mid-August. Mid-fucking-August and he’s curled in a blanket, because he’s probably on drugs but whatever, when that little piggy hit the concrete that shit was hilarious.

11. Putting me on a first name basis with the local law enforcement who pass me in the hallway. “Oh, hey Steve… yep. They’re at it again.”

12. Hanging the Mexican flag on Memorial Day (I don’t think there’s a soccer game or boxing match happening in the parking lot today, but you never know)

13. Knocking on our door to ask for spare change. After all my years living in this rodent’s den, even I was taken aback at that one.

14. Encouraging Jehova’s Witnesses but then tearing down my atheist flyers.

15. Leaving meth pipes in the stairwells.

 It’s funny. I thought this list would make me feel better. I actually feel more inspired to watch Gran Torino and pick my day. Orwell wrote that the future was in the proles. Unless that future is Idiocracy, that guy was as wrong as a Fox Friend. We are leaving our current aubode in search of a cleaner domicile. Will it be Los Angeles, South Orange County, or back to San Berdoo? Only Rent.com knows for sure.

Oh, and on an unrelated note, anybody know what Diablo Cody is up to? Man, she is awesome.


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