One of the biggest points of contention in my marriage is this idea of the word “fun” and how it relates to our weekend activities. For my wife, fun can consist of having a night with some friends, enjoying a couple board games, or going out to see a movie. For me, “fun” comes down to one thing: Can an orgy break out? And although it seems the obvious question is, “Has an orgy ever broken out?” There is a part of me that, while shrouded in the dark clouds of some alcohol-induced blackout, knows that sometimes… sometimes an orgy breaks out. And I think there were Lucky Charms involved. I don’t remember all of it but I swear to God there were Lucky Charms.
I don’t know much about fancy Hollywood meetings, having an agent, or perfecting your pitch. But I do know a lot about the strange happenings that accompany the entertainment world. And I’d like to touch on these in a new column I call
Once, when I was very young, I was involved in a human meat pile. For those who’ve never experienced an “all hands on deck”, the orgy is less an act of sex and more a phenomenon. It happens spontaneously, advancing with a consciousness that supersedes any independent decision making. It’s kind of like those hypnosis shows they do in Las Vegas. You may know that you don’t want to cluck like a chicken, but you do it because, hey, fuck it, it’s Las Vegas. But instead of a hypnotist there’s usually a couple acting as the catalyst and everybody just sort of follows their lead because we’re drunk and we had a feeling about this night.
The first thing you learn during an orgy is that not everybody can pile on the hot girl. Chances are, she was part of the catalyst couple. And they’re kind of untouchable. The hot girl may decide to pull you from the pile like a toy crane, but if you were hoping to play musical chairs until you landed on her you’re sorely mistaken. Save that shit for a rodeo, now is not the time. The other thing to take into consideration is how far you’re willing to go. Orgies can be like mosh pits. There are some who jump in, appendages flailing, and others that decide to smash around the outskirts. Decide which one you want to be. Are you just looking for a little stanky on your hangnail or are you willing to feel sore in the morning in exchange for a lead role in the pile? Remember, once you’re buck naked in a group of 8-10 friends you better know what you’re doing because once you’ve established yourself as the group slut your mouth and ass are up for auction.
The second thing you learn during an orgy is that somebody has to end up with the poot girl. She’s usually someone’s friend who came along for the night and she will be the most eager to jump in the hornet’s nest and get busy. Keep in mind, if couples retain boy-girl/boy-girl and there’s an even number of each, somebody has to play wingman. Myself, I almost ended up with poot girl. I wasn’t very lucky. Since the lights were dim I waited until she had her eyes closed and skedaddled, crawling backwards to a much more attractive woman who made it very clear she was having none of it. This will knock the wind out of your sails faster than anything, so be warned. Rejection stings the worst when it comes during uninhibited carnality. It means that even when a woman is at the point that she’d have sex with a bunch of random people there’s something crappy enough about you to trigger an alarm. It also cut off my exit strategy which put me back into the arms of poot.
There’s always the option to bail. Sometimes this is your easiest bet. Orgies, like Fellini movies, don’t take long for you to realize it’s not for you. However, it’s not like you can simply stand up and turn the lights on. You need to make your exit graceful without interrupting the pleasures of the pile. I tried to play dead. I pretended I was so drunk that I passed out. This was maybe the worst thing I could do. Suddenly a lifeless rag doll, poot girl decided this was her cue to put her damn dirty ape paws all over me. So I started to pretend I wasn’t feeling well. This didn’t work, either. Finally, I just grumbled something and ignored her until I settled into another task. Best to let her rationalize it in her own way.
Possibly the worst aspect of the orgy is that it ends the night. There isn’t any “going back” to whatever you were doing before. Nobody is going to be in the mood to watch a movie after. Usually they’ll settle into some kind of nocturnal spell and fall asleep. And this is your cue to go through their stuff.
I think the two biggest mistakes you can make with an orgy happen afterwards. First, you don’t talk about what happened. Because nobody wants to hear it. Second, somebody is going to have to clean that mess up. If you can beat the clock the next morning, slip your clothes on and bounce before sunrise the group will assume you left the night before. If you can, carry your shoes until you reach the front door.