An Open Letter to ABC

Dear ABC,

My wife and I have been Lost fans since the first season. It’s been the backdrop to our entire relationship. When we started dating, “Lost Night” was our first real tradition. When we got engaged, we planned all our events leading up to our wedding around the Lost schedule. Lost is one of the only television shows we actually watch. In fact, the only reason we’ve re-subscribed to cable was because broadcast doesn’t pick up the ABC feed in our apartment complex. Think about that; we actually purchased a subscription package for a service we never use with a provider we hate just so we can watch Lost. That’s how committed we are to the show. It’s our show. It’s what we watch.

Unfortunately, our cable provider couldn’t get us set up in time for this evening’s premiere. Which was frustrating considering how long we’ve spent looking forward to tonight. It’s all we talked about this week. And when it became clear that the bozos at our cable company couldn’t get us installed in time we made other plans. We decided that we would drive 50 miles to my parent’s house just so we could watch the premiere there. Granted, we could have driven to somebody closer who doesn’t watch the show but we both know that Lost just doesn’t work that way. They would have questions, we would require silence and concentration.

So we drove. Unfortunately, we were struck by an SUV on the way. A young woman with more horsepower than understanding of spacial relationships plowed into us while talking on her cell phone. Our new car is wrecked. My neck and back are stiff as a crutch. And yet, the only thing breaking my heart this evening is the fact that I missed your show. Yes, your show is so fucking good that my personal well-being and a 5-year loan on what is now a pile of shit matters less to me than having to miss the broadcast of your show’s premiere. I am so distraught that I’ve spent the last two hours trying to figure out how in the hell I’m going to see it before every Facebook friend, Twitter feed, coworker, and blog gives away all the spoilers.

 What I discovered this evening is that despite the incredible demand to watch the show online as it premieres, that option isn’t available. In fact, “Watch Lost Premiere Online” is now ranked as #52 on Google’s list of search terms. I know. I spent two hours looking for it everywhere. And when you finally made the episode available online this evening (after everybody else had watched it), you took your media player down for maintenance.

What the fuck, ABC? Is it too much to ask that after being involved in vehicular impacts that I get to relax and watch Lost? What more do I need to sacrifice at the altar of Lost for you to get your fucking IT guy to reschedule his Tuesday maintenance on the night of your… YOU JUST TOOK IT DOWN! You had it up you fucking  assholes and then you took it down! I smell of Icy Hot and this is how you repay my loyalty??? Jesus Christ! Did Zucker take over this network?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

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2 thoughts on “An Open Letter to ABC

  1. Hahahahahahahaha! Sorry but your misery is hilarious to me.

    Is there a lawsuit pending at least? That would certainly make the tabloids…actually not a bad premise for a movie…a B movie or a skinamax, but a movie none the less

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