What Matt Will Do With His Script Sale Millions

God, if you're real, you will assure me that a spike pit is just off camera.

I want to congratulate you KG, and myself, on once again dominating Hollywood. I knew as soon as I finished my draft of my rollerblading movie, Eight: Rise of the Rollering [Why Eight? Well, rollerblades have four wheels per rollerblade, totalling eight wheels you dummies, SHEESH], I knew I was done scraping and scrimping my way through this town. What was your script about again? I forget. I know I said I read it, but I didn’t. I just flipped through it real quick to make sure you didn’t steal my Milky Way idea [as in the candy bar, not the galaxy] then used the brats for my own pages. That’s definitely the one positive note I can give you; your scripts always have great brats.

God, what to get with all this hardly earned, useful money? Well, first, I’m purchasing one of those money counting machines that you see at casinos. I’m tired of people asking how much I got for the script and the only answer I have is, “5 piles.”

Secondly I’m going to donate some of the money to charities. Not just any charities though, things that are specific to my interests with agendas I care about. I won’t donate to foreign causes because I don’t know those people or understand what they’re saying, so Haiti is out as well as Africa. Well, hang on. If I buy my girlfriend a blood diamond engagement ring does that count as donating to Africa?

 Is G.I. Joe a real organization? If so I’m totally chipping in to their cause. Cobra acts like real ass-turds sometimes. Also, I want someone to capture Zartan and figure out how he does his special power. That shit ain’t human.

I recently got a dog that is a rescue and some evil son of a bitch cut his ears off. With that in mind, I want to have my new special ops team, G.I. Joe, find the guy who did it. After that I’d like to set up an elaborate Running Man like scenario where my dog will hunt down this dog abusing douchebag and gets to melt his face off with his newly installed laser ear implants.

Okay, so what material items? Hmmm. Well, you mentioned transportation, and I must say that an AT-AT is a terrific buy, but I’m actually quite pleased with my Scion xB. What I would like to do is rent an office space across town, then attach a zip cord from my bedroom to there and just fucking Batman myself to work every day.

I’m sort of thinking I want the rights to that Monsters episode you posted though, too. God, this is so hard!

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