Bad Query Letters – “Time Crap”

Open season. Guest posts. Anything. Send me a picture of your grandmother, I’ll post it. There’s always a need for content to be fed through the machine like meat through the grinder. And here with another query of bad quality is guest postman Hershell Gordon Rabinowitz (?)

Dear Syfy Channel,

I think I have quite an interesting idea for you guys.


This concept combines two of my favorite pastimes: Time travel and Taking craps on people’s lawns.

It’s really quite simple — all you really need to do is just follow me around as I do totally awesome scatological stuff like:

Take a crap on Mia Sara’s lawn.

Bequeath a steaming turd in front of Mare Winningham’s house.

Drop trou and leave a nice present for Carla Gugino in her garden.

Push out a fresh dookie on cute Emma’s Stone’s freshly mowed lawn.

Eat fast food Chinese and leave a few poo poo platters all over Amy Adam’s yard.

Fly to Hawaii to shit in Zooey Deschanel’s Koi Pond.

Eat gray clay for a week during Dr. Natura’s Colon Cleanse and leave a twenty-foot-long strand of ancient fecal matter on Samantha Mathis’s grass.

Visit the Jewish country singer, Jewell, in Alaska and free a trail of bloody diarrhea in the snow for her.

Consume nothing but corn and leave a Huskerdoo on Sandra Bullock’s front porch. Go Huskers!

For a special “Green” episode, I could even squat in Kristin Gore’s compost heap, elevating it to new heights.

You got it. Every week, I’ll crap on someone else’s lawn. As I’m pretty much as regular as clockwork, the shooting schedule would be a breeze.

I know your network doesn’t usually deal with reality television, but I’m sure my feats of time traveling will appeal to your target geek audience and judging from the sales rankings of “Everybody Poops”, the whole wide world seems as fucking obsessed with their bowel movements as I am.

Did you know that that in Japan they actually have talking toilets that analyze the contents of what just got shot of out of your asshole? Fellas, I’ll star in this show for nothing if you’d just get me one of those freaking Japanese talking toilets!

I thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

My ideas are my own.

Henry Motlick
Kimberly-Clark Worldwide
Depends Division
Fenton, MO


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