Here’s To You, Mr. Scoggins!

[UPDATE: Apparently I was confused by the contest rules because while I was imaging flying potatoheads and muffler men the details went whizzing past without my paying attention. And now I’ll file this in my cringe-bin beside my email exchange with Julie Gray last week wherein I kept calling her Julien. But Mr. Scoggins has since updated his blog and now has two running contests, one which is the “regular awful logline” whose rules were filled in by my own colorful imagination, and the “Mel Gibson Viking project logline” contest, which has made me laugh even harder now that I get it. My apologies to Jason… tell you what. If you’re ever in South O.C. I’ll treat you to a place that has a pulled pork sandwich that will cause your taste buds to combust.]

Jason Scoggins has got an awesome little contest going on over at his Life On The Bubble blog (whose Spec Market Scorecard you should all be subscribed to as well as ItsOntheGrid). Worst loglines. True story, when he posted this a spotlight actually lit up the letters “K.G.” in the sky just outside my study, along with the url.

Since it’s been a while since I’ve done an “Awesome-O” premise fest I decided to dust off the ol’ Jack D and start knockin’ these out like Ryan Adams records. I urge you all to head on over to Mr. Scoggin’s blog and try to come up with the worst logline you can. I know you have it in you.

Here are my 10…

ON WINGS OF HOPE
A 40-year-old mentally handicapped man who dreams of flying is given the opportunity of a lifetime when he is offered the chance to pilot a commercial plane.

PRAISE ALLAH, A STRONG DRINK INDEED!
A group of young jihadists travel to Las Vegas for the wildest weekend of their lives before a suicide mission.

KAHUNA 2059
An asteroid crashes in the Pacific ocean creating a monstrous tidal wave. As millions prepare for the impending destruction, retired surfer Jimmy Mojito gets ready for something else… a second chance.

MUFFLER MAN
Once a pathetic loser, a junkyard worker becomes a man of love and justice by building a mech-suit out of old car parts. But when his popularity becomes too much for him to handle he must choose between his new-found fame and the woman he loves who works at the junkyard.

IS THIS LINE EVER GOING TO FUCKING MOVE?
A couple waits to be seated at a restaurant. Featuring “Real 3D” technology.

AN VIOLET SUICIDE
After a number of failed attempts at stardom, attention-seeker Natalia Violet finds fame and fortune by posting sexy pictures of herself online while writing self-indulgent blog posts about using Apple products. But when a video surfaces of her having sex with a goat she commits suicide on her webcam while /b/tards laugh. Based on various true stories.

SLIPPY HOUSE
Three lazy rapists are given an ultimatum by their parents: find jobs or move out. But after being hired by a local convalescent home their fortune changes when the entire Bayside High cheerleading squad catches spinal meningitis.

THE PLASTIC ONES
Imagination becomes a complicated affair when a child’s play toys come to life and become entangled in a liaison of secrets, betrayal, and regret. Think TOY STORY meets THE BOSTONIANS.

CATCH TWENTY-TWO
After falling off a cruise liner, foot fetishist Mark Rightman agonizes over his sex life when he discovers an underwater society governed by beautiful mermaids.

THE BREAD WINNER
A retired baker searches for normalcy in the modern world. After meeting a young musician at a bakery, the two form a friendship and the elderly man tries to touch his genitals.

Argghhh… they’re all so terrible I just can’t pick one.

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6 thoughts on “Here’s To You, Mr. Scoggins!

  1. Your Penis in IMAX

    Tired of looking at your junk just in the mirror? Wouldn’t every man want to see his pecker on the big, big screen and in 3-D? Me and James Cameron kinda think so. So, for the small fee of $13.50, you’ll drop ‘em, we’ll film it and your prick will get the close up it has always deserved. Buddy, it’s gonna be epic. Doctors will be on hand to check for strange lumps and changes in color, shape and texture.

    We are accepting submissions and photos at kgmadman@gmail.com. Please feel free to send multiple photos.

  2. I think you need to start a sketch comedy troop and start making shorts out of these.

    On WIngs Of Hope would just kill, Man!

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