Magic Office Kingdom

I’ve been working long hours lately. For the first time in my life I’ve been given a leadership role at my work, and a pretty large one at that. It changes things. Namely, you realize how much your boss actually does. Second, you start to resent yourself for being the mouthy little twat that you’ve been all these years. But last, you have to stay positive and upbeat despite how much you want to join all your coworkers in group-bitch. You can’t do that anymore.

As  I’ve been transitioning into this role I’ve also been given the task of having four new employees slid under my supervision to be trained and caught up with the rest of the pack. This involves constant interaction; they can’t leave your side as they essentially shadow you in your day-to-day. This is exhausting, especially when taking on your boss’s work and still trying to complete your own. But what is really exhausting is answering questions whose answers are pointless. “Why did you start doing things way?” they ask, and you either can’t remember, it doesn’t matter, or your mouth is too tired to form words.

What I’ve taken to in answering their questions is creating back-stories for our department in all its various processes and roles. Not just farcical, but pure fantasy.  So for example, when I’m asked “Why did you guys implement automation?” Instead of answering that it’s easier and we get to work less, I simply respond with a story from days of yore involving a tyrannical dragon and a brave cobbler whose was rewarded with magic which he used to data-process our reports, next question.

My favorite yarns involve ex-coworkers with whom I had quarrels. Over near the fax machine there once sat an ugly old witch who would use her magic to cast spells upon a troll who once lived in a cave where our project coordinator’s office now is. “She turned him into a beastly monster who would come harass me regularly when I was new.” And they will look at me, these new hires, their eyes as wide as saucers. “And then what happened?” They ask. And I explain that when the two kingdoms merged the Elf Lords drew up a magical list upon which all the names of all of the creatures of the office were drawn. And from that list they made another list. And that list was given to H.R. and those people were banished during a great layoff but were given pensions which they did not deserve in my opinion.

Face it, people. You wish you worked with me.

Uliag, son of Elrond! Keeper of the Great Flame and Head of Product Management!


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