Anvil, Moore Snubbed by Geriatric Circle-Jerk

As the twilight hours of their relevance dwindle down like the last bit of embers clinging to life at the bottom of a bonfire pit, the Academy tasked with selecting the awards for Old Sociopathic Curmudgeons, Aristocrats, & Retards (better known as the Oscar’s) predictably snubbed the only two documentaries that anybody in the United States saw or actually gave a squirt about. Yes, Anvil and Michael Moore’s Capitalism were deprived of making the cut of 15 documentaries eligible to receive the Academy’s nomination.

The Academy’s group of geriatric dinosaurs presumably decided that since neither film were about the holocaust they weren’t fast-tracked into the final cut (as is customary), and furthermore, since both films presented the human condition in a way that relates to actual film-goers both films violated the Academy’s unquestioned loyalty to selecting films the Academy feels portray how deeply important the Academy is by the fact that they saw the film and you didn’t. Much in the way that a hipster might write a list of their 10 favorite albums based upon how their choices make them appear to others while denying records they actually listen to, the Academy with their unwarranted sense of importance must keep appearances when trying to show the world just how academic and thoughtful members of the Academy are.

The Academy, a sycophantic collective of hobnobbing socialites, prides itself on selecting films which give the Academy the ability to gaze at itself thoughtfully as leaders of change, even as it rides the coattails of change when change turns out to be the black guy and not that lady whose husband let them sleep over at the White House. And even as many of the Academy’s ill-conceived choices backfire and prove how desperately out of touch the Academy is, many would still stand by their choices despite how terrible history has proven those choices to be. Said one member, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity and with the assistance of a hearing aid, “Over time you whippersnappers will go back and realize that Dances With Wolves was clearly a better film than Goodfellas. Pop the videotapes in and see for yourself.”

For those young folks who have never seen an Academy Awards show, it’s that thing your parents used to have get-togethers for when you were growing up and prides itself as the largest collection of fossils in Los Angeles that are not currently residing in the La Brea Tar Pits.

Anvil rocks you cruddy old mossbacks!