JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF MY MOUTH

Dentists are such cunts. I had an appointment three weeks ago for a cleaning and a follow-up on the very costly crown work I had done on my cracked molar, and when the hoe-bag from the office called to confirm the appointment she started listing off all these additional services they had simply gone ahead and added to the appointment. Tooth whitening? Oral treatment something-or-other?

“No, no, no…” I said, shaking my head in GREAT DISAGREEMENT. “I have a cleaning and a follow-up. I never scheduled five fillings and a whitening.” Mind you, they called to confirm just two hours prior to the appointment. “I’m only coming in for a cleaning. How much would all that stuff cost anyways?”

My out of pocket would have been six hundred dollars, which is insane. “Six hundred dollars,” I said, “That’s insane.”

pigs

Conference of Dental Professionals '09

I explained to her that while the fillings might be important, and something to look at down the road, money is tight and I don’t have cash sitting around waiting to be pissed away on sparkling white teeth because I don’t host a game show. She hit me back with maybe the rudest thing anybody has ever said to me. Ever. EVER. EVAR!!!

We’ll just cancel today’s visit then. I tell you what, why don’t you give us a call and schedule when you can figure out how to save up a little money.” I was floored. A medical office cancelled on me, which has never happened before, and then scolded me for falling on hard times. Only in Orange County, folks. Surprisingly, the dentist herself called me three days later to personally apologize, and offered to do every service I could possibly need at cost for less than a hundred dollars. Desperate to save money, I accepted her apology.

Apparently somewhere in the filling process yesterday I got stuck with the Novocaine needle one too many times and when it was inserted into my gums it struck one of the nerves in my jaw. I woke up at four this morning with half my face swollen in searing pain with my cheek turning numb in little spurts that left me looking like a stroke victim.

Having waited four hours until their office opened, I called and spoke to the very same box o’ assorted creams who told me to “save money”. I explained that I’ve had multiple surgeries on my sinuses, and that the places where they had cut during each of those operations are now inflamed to the point where I can feel my own pulse in them. She, being of Satan’s personal yeast infection, told me to call back in three days if that didn’t improve. And when I decided to just walk right in a little while later, the dentist offered me this consolation. “Yeah. It’ll probably hurt like that for a couple days or a few weeks. Take some Motrin.” Thank you. I hadn’t thought of that. Motrin, you said? Is that new?

This is why I hate dentists. Not just because they’re sadists who operate like sleazy car salesmen, but because they operate on a system in which opportunity cost is greater than gain. Had I not gone to the dentist I may at some point in the future suffer painfully while needing expensive work, so the best way to avoid that scenario is to put myself in pain and pay for expensive work. If that makes sense, I have a war in Iraq you might be interested in. I don’t ask for much. But my bare minimum expectation is that if you screwed something up in my body, please fix it.

josef mengele

The Forefathers of Modern Dentistry

I decided to make a short list of things I hate about the dentist because as I’m sitting here holding an ice pack to the side of my face with half my eye swollen over there is little else I can think about than how much I wish dentistry was considered witchcraft punishable by stake burnings.

LIST OF REASONS WHY I HATE DENTISTS

1. They’re cunts.

All of them. Every dentist you meet is a total cunt.

2. They lack accountability.

If your doctor’s treatment resulted in you being in more pain AFTER than before you would never see that doctor again.  In dentistry this is routine, comes without apology, without warning, and without any consideration. They’re so like retarded monkey children, these dentists. Retarded monkey children with drills.

3. Their beady little eyes.

Every time I see a dentist shift his rat-like eyes back and forth I know he’s up to something and I just want to start strangling him until he confesses.

4. Some of them wear Crocs.

Think about it.

5. They have no soul

Dentists, much like robots, dogs, and North Koreans, were born vacant of any spirit through which they can channel divinity or basic knowledge of good and evil. They’re like globules of human meat who, while able to move and talk like you or I, provide only an illusion of humanity. A replication. As children squeal under the pain of their whizzing drills they do not understand this emotion we humans call “empathy”, only ponder the sounds we make the way a botanist might stare passively at leaves wilting on a tree.

pile of garbage

Dentistry

As I sit here, now going through the strange twitching phase wherein my cheek muscles tighten and my eye starts fluttering, I examine my feelings for dentists with more abstract means. What stream of consciousness flows from my emotional state? I’ve decided to just blurt out random words that come to mind when i think about dentists:

holocaust-torture-piss-velociraptor-gitmo-kanye west-vivisection-jackyls-hellmouth-rape-mouth rape-hostel-the Tieneman Square Massacre times one thousand-cavity-judas-scraping-dying chicken fetus-sadism-nails-arthouse movies-death

Imagine a great artist. A man who is old, weathered, and has spent years dedicating his life to his sculpting. He is slow and methodical. Patient. He looks inside a slab of marble and sees a masterpiece but does not rush. He knows to rush is to deny himself his love of the process and the essence of being a creator. Great work takes time, he thinks to himself as he strokes his grey beard. He spends a moment examining this block of material the way a chess player might look upon a board determining his next move. And then, as if suddenly possessed by inspiration, he places his calloused hands around his tools. He holds the chisel in one hand, and a hammer in the other, and positions them upon the slab. Now instead of a block of marble, imagine my cheekbone as this old guy smacks the tip of the chisel right fucking square in the center. And instead of an old guy, a man in his mid-thirties just laughing maniacally as he does it. He’s like that Gremlin with the googly eyes in Gremlins 2, just chiseling the fuck out of the side of my face. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

Dentist

"Don't forget to floss!"

I’m starting a group if anybody wants to join. It’s going to be a secret order of knights sworn to uphold God’s will in destroying dentists. We’ll have matching tattoos and carry swords and be locked in an infinite battle against evil. And if they so much as come near me with a drill again or that low-humming device that feels like somebody’s thumping your teeth with a spinning die, I swear I will strike them down with fists of steel and a sock filled with heavy lug nuts.

Seriously you guys, this is total fail.

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6 thoughts on “JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF MY MOUTH

  1. Wow that is the rudest thing ever said. It sounds like the people who work in the dental office are even more evil than the dentists.

    You should tell me who this is so I can never ever go there.

  2. Oh my God. This is horrifying and nightmarish and I am so, so sorry for you. At least you can be funny about it.

    Thank God my primary dentist is the rare saint in a sea of psychopaths. I remember when I went in to have my wisdom teeth out none of the sadistic technicians nor the oral surgeon wanted to give me laughing gas because it’s “not good for you.” My mom finally appealed to the main dentist who runs the practice and he was like “she’s 18 and about to have her gums cut open. Make her as happy as she wants to be.” They gave me so much nitrous I didn’t stop smiling for about 6 hours. My mom has pictures. I love drugs.

    • Yeah. I was stunned she wouldn’t prescribe me anything. Makes me think of that girl who overdosed on Tylenol after she had her root canal because the dentist refused any pain treatment.

  3. The nerves in the head are some of the most sensitive. If you want more realistic torture in a movie, have the interrogator pull out the victim’s nose hairs with tweezers one at a time. Or force feed them ice cream for an ice cream headache.

    I recommend finding dentists who are more familiar with pain reduction technology than just relying on gas and needles. There was a device I recall being tested in the 80s that worked like a low-power stun gun circuit and the patient could turn up the power to interfere with mouth nerves and feel absolutely nothing when the needle was inserted. However, improper siting of the injection won’t be helped by that later on.

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