Your friend, my friend, Herschel Gordon Rabinowitz…
Perhaps it ain’t exactly overlooked cause it’s currently being remade by Miramax and Guillermo del Toro. But, I bet most of you young whippersnappers overlooked the original cause you were just born too late, or the DVD cover art looked too cheesy or the lead actress didn’t have big enough tits. Me, I was born at exactly the right time to have soiled my bed for weeks after watching it on TV.
Not wet dream kinda soil. Quite the opposite — so scared the muscle controlling both my rectum and bladder kept twitching, leaving the chute too often in the opened-up position. Ever wonder why you usually have to pee while taking a dump? That’s the muscle I’m talking about. Gee, you just learnt something. Send the webmaster a dollar.
Yes, one of the scariest horror flicks I’ve ever seen as a tween was a TV movie!!! It was a time that Hollywood cranked out lemons like The Car, The Hearse and The Devil Dog, The Hound Of Hell. TV movies ruled the roost at that time. Well, those without Valerie Bertonelli did anyway. Not that I have anything against Valerie Bertonelli. Val, if your reading this, the Hershmeister would still do you. I’d still do you even if we had to do it with the entire Van Halen catalogue piped into our bedroom. That’s how bad I still want to do you. That’s how bad I want to do just about anybody. The Hersch is a very lonely movie critic.
Oh, yeah, the movie.
Basically, a young couple inherit a creepy mansion and while their gay best friend redecorates, they unleash a fireplace full of creature features. Seems that fireplace was bricked up for good reason cause it held a portal straight down to Hell. Or Amityville. Or Staten Island. Somewhere nasty.
The prunce-faced demons they set free kind of remind me of a dwarfed Glenn Beck after he just sucked on a lemon. Yup, they’re that ugly. But, unlike Beck, they just have to whisper to get your attention. They whisper alot. Whispers can be downright horrifying.
These monster munchkins pretty much hide and whisper and drive True Grit’s Kim Darby totally insane. Her husband, Timothy Hutton’s dad, screams at her a lot, saying “There’s nothing there!!!!” No one else seems to see these fucking evil troll dolls. Is she losing it? Are they real? She has tiny tits, so we know she’s a serious actress.
Like my other childhood favorites, Planet of The Apes, Soylent Green and The Omega man, the film probably won’t stand up to my now snobby grown up standards. (Crap, I just realized that Charlton Heston starred in the top three flicks of my youth.) So, if you rent it and don’t find it truly scary, please forgive me. I don’t have some fucking Marcel Proust memory. The Hersch can’t even remember what he ate for dinner yesterday.
But, I’m led to believe by these crumbs that it was corned beef.
Herschel Gordon Rabinowitz