Things The ‘Paranormal Activity’ Couple Could Have Done to Improve Their Situation


1. Got Real Jobs

A day trader and an English student living in a large house in  San Diego in 2006 would be living back at their folk’s place in 2009. These people did less with themselves than the old-school cast of The Real World. People who go to work all day don’t worry about creaks and cracks; they’re too tired from having jobs. Ever wonder why you don’t hear about haunted houses in the ghetto? It’s because poor folk don’t concern themselves with lights suddenly going on. It’s the lights suddenly being turned off they worry about.

2. Left The House

Even if the demon can follow her outside the house there are certain places where his powers would find little to work with. Like a church or a Dave & Buster’s. Or hey, why not sleep in the fucking attic? What’s he going to do? Throw insulation foam at you? He’d have to leave the attic just to have a way to cause a commotion coming back in. And then what? You’d sit in awkward silence until he got bored and went back to Utah.Paranormal

3. Got A Bazooka

I was lucky enough to be seated next to a group of cholo’s during a showing of Blair Witch Project years ago. As these philosophers pondered the existential qualities of the narrative, one  considered the plight of the characters entering the handprint house. He turned to the others and said “Fuck that stupid witch, eh. If that were me homes, I would just get a bazooka!” Brilliant. When in danger, just get a bazooka.

4. Left the Lights On

The demon in this scenario seemed only able to function when the lights were off and things were in spooky night vision green. Leaving the lights on, or possibly changing the interior decoration to reflect something more silly would have made the task of vexing much more difficult. Try haunting a house filled with crap picked up at Spencer’s.

5. Packed a Dummy w/Dynamite and Dressed it Up as a Hot Lady Demon

After its feet stop fluttering and it goes through the motions of feeling dizzy while miniature hearts bubble from the top of its head KABOOM!


6. Throw’d That Hoodoo Bitch Out The Door And Found Somebody Else

I love my wife but if I ever wake up to find her staring menacingly at me while I’m asleep I will be throwing wild haymakers toward her facial area and calling up old ex-girlfriends. What’s creepy is I think she already does this now sans the poltergeist. I don’t like being watched when I’m asleep. You go look at the wall.

7. Given It A Couple Bucks

The demons in my apartment complex sneak around our hallways at night causing mischief and mumbling in strange tongues, usually clutching some kind of malted beverage. Normally if you give them a couple dollars or just let them root through the dumpster undisturbed they go away. I tend to place dog shit on top of our recyclables so they never come back.

8. Masturbatedpara4

The only thing more awkward than being walked in on while rubbing one out is walking in on somebody else. Find me a being, living or otherwise, that would purposefully walk in on somebody jacking off and I’ll show you a sicko who was trying to get caught. Plus it’s a great stress reliever. I was a little shocked that during all of their time-lapsed videos at night the boyfriend never woke up with his hand at his crotch. And neither of them had to use the bathroom either.

9. Hired A Prostitute

Whores are to demons what birthday cake is to a fat kid. They can’t resist. Using a Tijuana prostitute as a kind of demon bait they could have easily channeled the demon’s spirit from his hell dimension into the whore woman’s body, using it as a proxy vessel for him to take form in the flesh. Trapped, the demon would then have been possessing a prostitute and not the lovely girlfriend. After that it’s just a matter of dumping it back at the border which is like, five minutes from there.

10. Did What It Wanted

This was mentioned a few times throughout the film but never acted upon. Why fight it? Just go with it, man. Nine times out of ten in these situations it has a script or something it just wants you to read.


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