Everybody likes comic books. And since they’ve been all the rage in film for the last ten years I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring and get to work on my own superhero series. But which hero best represents who I would want to see in print? I’ve come up with a short list of superheroes including back stories which I feel are unique and brimming with commercial possibilities. Now all I need is to narrow them down… oh, and somebody who can draw. I don’t know much about comics but I know they have drawings.
Dances with Glow Sticks – DopeMan was once Jack Shit, a grubby hobo living in Venice Beach. One night, after finding a roll of bills left in a bush, he buys and consumes every illicit drug known to man. While wandering in a twisted daze, Jack Shit is struck by lightning, fusing the many substances he’s consumed to his DNA, giving him super powers provided by narcotics. His heroin body makes him impervious to pain. His PCP super-strength makes him able to lift buses, and his Cocaine blood makes him faster than a jet ski. LSD super-perception allows him to see through walls and fly on magic carpets, and Ecstasy gives him the power to do amazing kooky dances. By day Jack Shit sleeps next to a jungle gym, by night he fights evil and smells funny. His weakness is his super-Marijuana sense of purpose, which he constantly struggles with in a battle to keep putting things off.
Begotten Son – During a chaotic battle in space, a great ruler sends his only son to Earth for his survival. As he is the last of his kind on a planet of weaklings, Begotten Son has special powers which allow him to save mankind. Unfortunately he’s nailed to a cross instead, rising thousands of years later to fight false deities on a flying rocket-cross. This version of the Jesus fairy tale is based on a more modern, edgy Jesus who also drives a monster truck and can scale mountains and buildings with his nail hands. This is a Jesus everyone can relate to, whose affinity for stock car racing, cheap beer, and cheaper women makes him a hero we can all find within ourselves.
Vegan Pussy – Steven Stipe is a pussy who likes vegan food. In a battle against the villains who own chain restaurants which serve meat he uses his powers at Kinko’s to print flyers; as well as a book he once read to argue and cast judgment on people he doesn’t know. His weakness is meat. Vegan Pussy is the typical “conflicted hero” who lies to himself by condemning meat products yet eating Turkey Burgers and Tofu Dogs which are basically a way of having his vomit-tasting cake and eating it too.
The Crippled Klansmen – The KKC (Ku Klux Cripples) are a group of proud Aryan brothers who happen to have been conceived downstream from a pharmacological lab which produced Thalidomide. They fight integrated couples and are constantly trying to thwart the evil efforts of Dr. Darwin. They have a specific weakness for when their white Klan robes get caught in the spokes of their wheelchairs, revealing their true identities, or when their stubby hands have trouble propping a cross up.
The Human Tax Burden – When our government becomes too powerful, who stops the government? The Human Tax Burden! When 83-year-old Chester Walter has a mild stroke, he becomes The Human Tax Burden, capable of draining six figures of tax revenue in a calendar year. By day he sleeps in a hospital bed in a nursing home, by night he sleeps in a hospital bed in a nursing home. The Human Tax Burden is being chased incessantly by his arch-nemesis, known as time.
Let’s put ‘er to a vote.