Patents of Lunatics

Fun With Patents

I’ve been having some fun strolling around the patent records over at Wikipatents. Most are boring, technical, and redundant. But occasionally you stumble across the deranged ideas of a lunatic. They teach us the greatest writing lesson we can learn from a crazy person: Sometimes the audience’s imagination is a far more powerful tool than your own. Take for instance the sex table. Notice the implied use of surgical straps, stirrups, detachable headboards, and instrument trays. That’s the power of storytelling through visual imagery! This demented sicko doesn’t need to explain his invention through exposition; we draw from his device that it will probably be used to position a kidnapped female jogger much in the way that a spider uses web to hold a fly in place.

But enough talk. Let’s dive right in…

Patent # 6186943: Penis Support Device

Patent #6186943: Animal Slaughtering Device

Patent #5071134: Substance Abuse Board Game (you know? for kids!)

Patent #5657765: Erotic Stimulator

Patent #7090268: Dog Waste Catcher and Holder

Patent #5312127: All-Terrain Wheelchair

Patent #6203491: Adult Sexual Apparatus

Patent #5511711: Camouflaged Gun Holder

No officer, no guns in here…

Patent #6370744: Car Shaped Coffin

Patent #6030039: Rim Chair

Patent #4244142: Puppet/Rug for Therapeutic Purposes

Patent #5456625: Dolls formed in the likeness of Lord Jesus with a moveable head and extremities

And last; fellas, see if you can guess what this little device does…


I’ll give you a hint, it’s not a banana opener!


2 thoughts on “Patents of Lunatics

  1. Woah. Woahwoahwoahwoahwoah.

    Though truthfully, some of these sexual-device inventors will be sad to know that the porn industry beat them to it a long time ago.

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