Bad Query Letters – “YOUNG CALIGULA”

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Hershell Gordon Rabiniwitz returns to guest up with this most terrible of query letters. One day we’ll find a place where he can get all the help he needs…

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Dear Gate Keeping, Smoking Hot, Babylonian Goddess of a Secretary,

It’s hard to get ahead in Hollywood. Just a few years ago you could have easily banged your boss a mere few months and quickly began your whorific ascent up the studio ladder. But, now, alas, even Tinsel Town has gotten some morals. It’s like Pat Robertson bought ever studio in town and threw saltpeter and guilt into the ventilation systems. No one is schtupping their way to success anymore. It’s sad — It’s like the whole world has turned upside down. Fucking Letterman!

Well, if you can’t blow your boss for a promotion, you can at least blow his mind with this script!

Inspired by the world’s greatest filmmaker, Bob Guccione, YOUNG CALIGULA, tells the story about Rome’s wackiest emperor when he was just another zit-faced, hormone raging, royal teenager. Only, instead of doing the usual period piece schtick of everyone one speaking in a clipped British accent, Chubby Caligula and his homies will speak like the rest of us – Kevin Smith, Judd Aptow and Sarah Softspoken Silverman.

I mean, let’s keep things real. Those mother fucking Romans didn’t speak like James Mason. They surely sounded like Jonah Hill. When James Mason says “Boner”, it sounds like he’s talking about a mistake. When Jonah says “Boner”, you know what kind of meat he’s talking about!

So, young Caligula and his buddies, Cera and Galifianaki, have finally been invited to an orgy thrown by the captain of the Chariot Team, Drunkus Maximus. But to gain entrance they must pass seven challenges, one being to pick up the booze. Which, of course, is nearly impossible cause they’re not only underage, but it’s Sunday! Hilarity and tragedy, the two-faced Janus of every good tale, will ensue.

Young Caligula’s philosophy teacher, Fudget Packerus, agrees to help, but at price — the rectal virginity of his shy best friend, Cera. Is this big night of decadence and debauchery worth sacrificing a bud’s budding flower of a butt-hole over? This is the great moral dilemma that rockets this character driven story to its feel good climax. I know Dieu Ex Machina is Greek, but do you think any American teenage would knows the difference??? Ask them to point out Assganistan on a map. They can’t do it!

I see Young Caligula being filmed in 3D. Not only cause of the fabulous cast of juggs touted around like some Busby Berkeley musicals number, but we’ll need to find the guy with that Fire hydrant sized dong from the first movie. Imagine that monster popping out at you! Man, talk about UP.

So, if you fast track my script, I guarantee I will return the favor with a night of unbelievable, bed breaking pleasure. Hollywood may have morals, but I don’t. I will make you love me!

Herbert Glasser
Harmony Pre School
Tempe, AZ

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