Title: The Forum Warrior
Premise: Bitter globs of human waste collide in a battle over trivial facts, political opinions, questions of God’s existence, and a whole bunch of shit nobody cares about to see who can become “The Forum Warrior”, a reality show steeped in the rich tradition of battle shows such as “American Gladiators” and “Ninja Warrior”.
The Forum Warrior starts with a simple enough idea. Create an online forum, allow users to create accounts, and post controversial topics while moderators encourage users to become entrenched in heated arguments over grammar and personal opinions. Over the course of the month, users will be promised a small amount of money based upon their ability to create “friends” and pwn their keyboard enemies. As arguments turn into heated flame wars, those showing the least tact and most venom in their personal demeanor will be isolated and featured on the forum.
But here’s the catch. The Forum Warrior requires online users to provide a small amount of personal information when signing up, including addresses and telephone phone numbers. Once two embittered “warriors” have created enough animosity towards one another, one will be chosen as the prize winner in a clever ruse which would involve them boarding a plane to Los Angeles to claim their money. However, the plane will be headed toward the home of their forum enemy where both will be forced to stand face-to-face as their own hyperbolic online rhetoric is read aloud. Anonymity will be out the window! Screen handles no longer apply.
HOST: Now Charles, James said and I quote, ‘you sound like a little punk bitch that needs to get fucked up. If I were there I’d fuck you in the ass and make you my bitch you little pre-op hoe’. .. Well, James…here he is, just like you wanted.
At this point, our trucks would unload the horses and heavy equipment necessary for full medieval battle. The forum warriors, whether by choice or against their will, would be suited up and given jousting rods. They would engage in a grueling battle where quick wits and wikipedia fact-checks no longer apply. Swords will slice flesh, big heavy bones will be shattered into dust. But when all is said and done, only the one who still draws breath will be allowed to call himself the true “Forum Warrior”. He will be given a Macbook Pro and some ear buds.
[for those interested in acquiring ‘Loli Mountain’, I’m still seeking offers]