Bad Query Letters – “13 CODES OF ATLANTIS”


Guest blogger Hershell is back up in your ass with a resurrection. Oddly enough, I kind of like the idea of this undersea farce with its many lizards, porpoises and sexy mer-people. It would be like Vegas.


Important Folks
Imagine Entertainment
9465 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA

October 5th, 2009

Dear Mr. Ron Howard and Mr. Brian Grazer,

Imagine this!

Imagine this movie!

Imagine me pitching this movie to the two of you!

Imagine me pitching this movie to the two of you wearing only an antique, deep sea diving helmet!

Imagine me pitching this movie to the two of you wearing only an antique, deep sea diving helmet and you two gentlemen not staring at my bodacious jugs.

Imagine that!!!

Imagine all the people living for today!

Okay, so are your collective eyes closed to truly, deeply imagine this???

Put away those storyboards for that “Eat My Dust” remake, Ronnie Boy, cause I have just the project you’ve been wishing and hoping and imagining for. Yes, the one that will team you back up with that dreamy, Oscar winner, Mr. Tom Hanks.


Lovell Landon is an astronaut-slash-art-historian. After completing an exciting mission to the moons of Saturn, his return capsule lands off course, smack dab in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

While waiting for his NASA Posse to pick him up, an ancient, stone tablet suddenly surfaces next to his craft. Lovell, being an astronaut-slash-art-historian, quickly translates the artifact, giving him the first clue to finding the lost city of Atlantis – and all the sexy mermaids, hunky mermen and comedic talking porpoises residing there.

Can Landon get to the lost undersea city before the army of savage-munchkin-lizards (I know you guys like those Willow-sized folks) awakens and destroys their peaceful and blissed-out culture forever? He has 12 more brain-teasing clues to decipher and follow before you get to even find out!

Brian, Hey, don’t worry, of course there’s a small part for Ron’s brother, Clint.

Look, you may think I’m just some stupid Spinning Instructor with a great ass and a lot of cool, multi-culti tats. What could I possibly know about the fine art of crafting a screenplay?

Well, ordinarily, I would never step out and contact two very VIP Room gentlemen like yourselves. But, after reading the Secret, and carving my secret dream on my forearm with a lady Schick and some lingonberries I got half-price at the Ikea café, I believe in my dreams enough to dare to try to believe to imagine again.

I’ll leave you with the words of that prophetic dreamer, Mr. John Lennon, a man who also dared to try to believe to imagine again:

“When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide . Where I stop and turn and I go for a ride.“

Thank you for your time,

Felicia Bandanamas

Head Spin Mistress
Chattanooga Citadel of Health, Fitness and Hatha Yoga


2 thoughts on “Bad Query Letters – “13 CODES OF ATLANTIS”

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