Bad Query Letters – “THE LAST BONER”

guestpost

Hershell Gordon Rabiniwitz has returned with another bad query letter. (Has anybody gotten a response yet? I know I haven’t!) Today H.G. Rab is going paperless so that his query can be deleted faster and without leaving a carbon footprint! Please welcome our guest…

+++

THE LAST BONER

Dear Sleaze Merchants,

This is a true story — a grown-up’s version of The Last Unicorn.  Only it’s about me.  Or, more, precisely, it’s about my dong.

There is an actually ticking clock here.  I may, at any moment now, pop my last boner.

My Name is Doug Kruer and I am only 19, but my equipment seems to be aging at a much faster rate than the rest of my awesome, ripped bod.  They say it’s from mixing steroids with all that fucking MonaVie my mom poured down my throat to get her triple diamond status.  Fucking Multi Level Marketing! So, I’m healthy as a horse, but have the plumbing problems of a seventy-eight-year-old man.

Imagine living with this horror – the daily fear that your current pole may be the last tent you ever pitch.  That every Morning Glory, Wet Dream and Act of Self Abuse is bringing you closer and closer to a Hard-on-Last-Hurrah!

Sir, I’m sure your nuts are shrinking from the very thought.

This is not a weepy fund raising letter.  Don’t organize a Race for the Cure for poor Doug Kruer.  Just turn my life into a fucking movie.  That will make this whole ordeal almost worth it.

So, in a nut shell, my story is about a high school kid who needs to use it before he loses it.  Yeah, I’ve seen the entire Porkys through Superbad Ouerve.  I know the rules.  It will be awesome!!!!

Parties, cheerleaders, cock blocking authority figures and REO Speedwagon doing the soundtrack.

But, instead of being merely tasteless and raunchy, it’ll have some sentimentality and humanity to it.  Who wouldn’t be moved by Doug Kruer navigating through Michael Bay High, trying to nail every chick before his nail gun goes “CLICK” – out of bullets.

I totally see Emma Stone as Doug’s lab partner and the lucky girl who gets to experience the Last Boner for herself.

In the science closet with jars full of fetal pigs watching us.

So, if you are short-sighted enough not to want to make this motion picture, could you please, please, please forward this email to Emma Stone.

Make a hurting boy’s last wish come true.

Sincerely,

Doug Kruer

(Medical Records Available on Request)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s