Ardi’s Hollywood Makeover

Yesterday the scientific community took Jesus over their knee and gave him what-for in the endless battle over human origin. The discovery of ‘Ardi’ provides even more proof that human beings are nothing more than useless naked  apes:

“What we are seeing … is something we never expected to find in the human lineage,” he says, his voice buoyant on the phone from the Cleveland Museum of Natural History, where he is curator/head of physical anthropology.

“It’s a revelation, and you can imagine how much it’s going to change how we think about the earliest parts of our evolution.”

I’m not sure why the God Squad even bothers arguing against this anymore. Even the Catholic Church is on-board with evolution. But I can’t blame those who want to deny it. I mean, come on… just look at this  monstrosity:

Like ugly on an apeRemember that scene in Empire Strike Back where Luke crawls out onto the scaffolding while Darth Vader tries convincing him he’s his father? Remember how Luke’s lip quivers and his face scrunches like he just at a peach and he screams, “That’s impossible! No!” Darth Vader at least held steady employment. This thing looks like a cross between a monkey and that woman who crawls out of the bathtub in The Shining. It’s hairy and it even has tits. Of course people are going to deny they’re related to it.

Half of an argument is in the presentation. If science is going to have a chance at convincing the public to accept evolution they need to start with first impressions. And it begins with a new look. If I know human nature, the battle over Darwin’s theory of Evolution begins in Hollywood. People LOVE celebrities. They can’t get enough of them. So to help give Ardi a sizzling Fall style, I used InStyle Magazine’s Hollywood Makeover application.

To start, I looked at some of the latest red carpet fashions. I chose Drew Barrymore’s lush blonde hair for volume, and using some plum eyeshadow brought out Ardi’s softer features. A little light eyeliner really buffs out those baby blues! I also chose to thin Ardi’s eybrows, giving her face a delicate, slender look. A touch of coral red lip gloss gives Ardi perfectly defined lips which are subtle but still whisper, “Come find it!” And then I finished her off with a light bronzer. Not too dark, ladies! She’s a 4.4 million-year-old evolutionary link, not some teenage prostitute from T.J.

Stop the press, who's that?

Tada! It’s incredible what a little elbow grease can do. And if I know people, they’ll be jumping at the chance to say they’re related to Ardi. That’s an ancestor you can be proud of. Glamorous, well-maintained, and knows what she wants out of life. And with a little P.R. work, who knows? She could be the next Kate Gosselin.

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