The Cruciflex


Subject: Re Inventor’s Kit – Cruciflex

Dear Mindy,

Thank you for the speed with which you shipped out my inventor’s help kit. It’s nice to know that there are still people out there who operate outside the mainstream grid of ‘Big Patent’. I recently received rejections from three major manufacturers and after pouring so much blood, sweat, and tears into my invention I truly do mean it when I say…thank you 🙂

Per your instructions, I am submitting my rough concept so that we can move forward in developing a patent for my invention. Please be aware that I’m not the greatest illustrator in the world, but that I did take some sketching classes as part of the labor department’s placement program after the plant let most of us go one year come November. Incidentally, it was during this very difficult time that our lord and personal savior touched me on the shoulder and inspired me to come up with this new invention. When I spoke to your customer service rep Sally she assured me that I could trust your organization not to steal my design. As a man of God I’m going to have faith and take Sally’s word for it. But it still makes me a little nervous; there’s all kinds of slippery eels and commies out there. PLEASE do not steal my invention idea. My family has put everything we had in savings into buying me some time off my new job so I could stay home and work on this.

As you know, our one true king of kings died on the cross so that we could be forgiven of our wickedness. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret that only God and I know; the cross is actually the physical model by which our human vessel bodies can find true immortality in this world. And the Romans knew this!

“To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honour and immortality, he will give eternal life.” Romans 2:7 (KJV)

There it is right there! Eternal life. So what does this mean for us? Now I’m going to let you in on another secret! We can use the cross to not only bring life eternal but also give us the abs and muscle tone we’ve always wanted. My invention does this, and it works! I call it The Cruciflex. The Cruciflex harnesses the awesome power of the crucifix in a workout device that uses four major points of strength for multiple exercises. (See attachment)

Cruciflex Fig 1A

As you can see, the design is simple. The user is mounted onto the cross using a pair of Velcro wrist straps that attach to the wrists and ankles. A system of cables connect to the straps through the back of the apparatus and move through two large pulleys which add torque to create resistance. The pulleys are connected to flexible weight bows (ala Bowflex) which allow the user to determine the amount of resistance. Once atop the Cruciflex, the user can then do compassion crunches, leg lifts, arm lifts, Baptist lifts, hosanna extensions, suicides, and any number of crucifix-based exercises.

The user is secured to the device for however long they deem appropriate for their workout, and once finished the device can be easily slid under a bed or used for daily worship. There are also a couple of additional bells and whistles which make the experience even more fun.

Cruciflex Fig 2B

The device comes equipped with an iPod docking station mounted directly behind the headboard which houses a set of speakers so the user can listen to music during their workout. As an additional promotional giveaway I’ve also taken the liberty of drafting up a headband embroidered to look like a crown of thorns. With a little imagination, you can work on your pecks while pretending to forgive those warlocks who betrayed the son of man.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t steal this invention. This invention was whispered into my ear personally by Jesus of Nazareth, son of the ONE TRUE GOD OF ISRAEL AND THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. STEALING IS A SIN. THOSE WHO STEAL ARE SINNERS AND WE REBUKE YOU IN HIS NAME.

I have already received 13 pre-orders for this invention from my congregation. If we can move forward in this process with great haste I would be greatly thank you. Please contact me as quickly as possible so we can begin manufacturing.




2 thoughts on “The Cruciflex

  1. So, my main problem is that I don’t see how you can strap yourself in. You’d need a second person. That’s a major design flaw. 😀

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