The Q-Hole Experiment

Hypothesis: Through repeat listens of Stacey Q’s “Two of Hearts” at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon it is possible, although not likely, that I can use my post-lunch fatigue to summon 1987 Stacey Q through a worm-hole to assist me in escaping my meaningless corporate existence as I travel with her back in time to 1987 where we will make sweet love.

Subject: Stacey Q

Subject: Stacey Q

Ethical Problem #1:  Infidelity

Am I cheating on my wife by sleeping with Stacey Q? After thorough consideration to all aspects of the aforementioned scenario, I do not believe that sleeping with Stacey Q could be construed as meeting the classic definition of “adultery” unless the act was committed prior to travelling back in time. To wit, if I being of my present mind and body were lying naked beside Stacey Q in a field of roses in the year 1987, the godly and harmonious acts to follow would be happening prior to any marital oath or vow taken by me. Imposing such commitments as retroactive would present various greater ethical issues, as my wife to whom I am committed in the present would be only six years old in the past, making any possible monogamous relationship between us disgusting.

Ethical Problem #2:  The Garden of Forking Paths

Is it possible that in travelling 22 years back in time to fornicate with a pop singer I might change the future or splinter the present into an alternate reality? This presents the greatest challenge. It is possible that following numerous exhaustive sessions of love making that I might lose all inhibition and let slip facts about the future which Stacey Q could use to warn people of her day. For example, if I were stroking the tip of a rose across her navel, remarking on the overwhelming beauty of her body, voice, and aura I might be inclined to mention my want to stay with her like this forever in lieu of days trapped in an office where the economy is shit, hot dogs cost 8 dollars a pack, and that action star with the funny accent is governor of California.

The Q-Hole

Research Materials:

iPod w/”Two of Hearts” by Stacey Q

A Brief History of Time by Steven Hawkings

Western Bacon Cheeseburger

My Boring Job


Findings will be documented and reported for the work week beginning Tuesday September 7 and ending on the anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks on Friday September 11. It is believed that due to the monumental significance of this particular week, the fabric of time and space may be limber and thus more susceptible to manipulation.

I bid you all adieu and hope you find a comfortable place to die in this, the most rotten year of our Lord. Farewell, weary robots!


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