I cancelled most of our cable packages today. We’ve spent two years paying gift shop prices on all of Cox’s services and since we don’t use most of them it was a waste of money that we no longer have. I was expecting some pushback from their customer service, perhaps a couple deals mixed with some whiny “why are you doing this to us?” pleas for sympathy. What I’ve transcribed isn’t the conversation in its entirety, just the most despicable parts of it. Un-fucking-believable:
Douchebag CSR: Thank you for calling Cox, how may I assist you?
Me: Yeah, I’d like to cancel some of our packages and maybe downgrade a few others.
Douchebag CSR: (pause)…okay, is there any reason in particular?
Me: Not really, we’re just trying to save money.
Douchebag CSR: I completely understand. Which would you like to cancel first?
Me: If I could get rid of the telephone land line. We never use that anymore.
Douchebag CSR: You do know about 911, right?
Me: Excuse me?
Douchebag CSR: That you won’t be able to reach 911 if you cancel your land line.
Me: It’s fine, we have cell phones.
Douchebag CSR: But do you really want to use your cell phone if you need to call 911?
Me: It has a GPS tracking device which was mandated by law to provide specific locations to dispatchers in the case of an emergency.
Douchebag CSR: (scoffs)…yeah, well…if I were you I wouldn’t want to have to rely on that. I mean… you know that it’s not really 911 you’re calling but a dispatch center in Sacramento, right? And then they relay the information down to the appropriate agency down here…if they can find it. And who knows how long it’ll take them to find it. I mean…I wouldn’t want to rely on that…if I were you.
Me: (facepalms) Yeah well, I don’t plan on calling 911 anytime soon so thanks but no thanks.
Douchebag CSR: Okay, anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Yeah, I need to downgrade our internet package.
Douchebag CSR: Now…you do realize that you won’t be getting 2.0mB anymore, right?
Me: No problem, we never got it from you in the first place.
Douchebag CSR: I doubt that. But in any event your connection is going to slow to a crawl.
Me: Interesting. Then I guess I’ll be calling you again in a couple more days to cancel that as well.
Douchebag CSR: And we’re going to have to charge you a $30 dollar cancellation fee.
Me: And I’m going to tell you to kiss my dick because I won’t pay it. The California Supreme Court has ruled that service cancellation fees are unlawful and I have no obligation to pay you. Once again, eat me.
Douchebag CSR: I don’t know about all of that. Sir, do you know how big this corporation is? Do you think a big corporation like us would break the law?
That may be the most desperate retention script I’ve heard thus far. If this is how low Cox has sunk since losing what I’m guessing has been a large portion of their customer base since the economy sunk then these guys are in big, big trouble. The fees, slow internet speed, etc. I was expecting. I never thought I’d learn that cancelling a crappy land line put my physical person in jeopardy should I experience a life-threatening emergency.
Luckily I was able to get my hands on a copy of the retention script being drafted for 2010. Let’s look it over, shall we?
CUSTOMER CALLS REQUESTING CANCELLATION
Ask the customer why they are requesting cancellation. Speak in a deep, Sopranos-type New Jersey accent:
“What, you don’t like our services no more?”
If the customer persists, remind them of their long-term committment to Cox’s Services and try to find the root of the customer’s grievance:
“Oh — you think you can just walk away from us like that? What, like we’re some kind of punks? This is a fucking insult, after everything we’ve done for you.”
Encourage the customer with exciting new package deals:
“I tell ya what, we got some nice mink coats, just brought ’em in through the back. You wanna take a look? Maybe your wife might like some of ’em?”
Remind the customer of cancellation policies and complications with their discontinued services:
“Ya know… if you’re no longer with us that means you’re no longer under Cox’s umbrella of protection…be a shame if…i dunno…something happened to ya wife or kids while you were at work…”
If the customer is unwilling or unable to retain Cox’s services, thank them for their years of loyalty and encourage them to use Cox in the future for all their cable, internet, and telephone needs:
“Yeah, go fuck ya self. You fuckin’ ingrate degenerate punk. You fuckin’ low-life. Yeah, big man you are! Can’t even afford to keep the extended family package with Noggins and Discover Kids. Fuckin’ slime bucket!”