I’ve put away a few beers. I’m feeling saucy and it’s been six months since I last did one of these. The rules are simple. Thirty minutes. Write as many film premises as possible. Last time I did twenty-three. Keep in mind that these are in no way meant to be good. In fact, if you recall the South Park episode where Cartman travels to Hollywood as a robot and pitches films you’ll understand where I’m going with this. Ready-set-blow!
A BULLET FOR MR. SENATOR
Grizzled bastard loses his home in the foreclosure crisis and decides it’s time to tune up his old ‘Nam rifle for one last performance. He’ll play Congress out with a concerto, “Run you crooked rat” in the key of F Sharp.
INSERT QUIRKY NAME HERE
Not much happens in this quirky coming-of-age thing that’s not quite comedy, not quite drama, and not much of a story. But you can be sure that INSERT QUIRKY NAME HERE will entertain as we see what a quirky small town INSERT QUIRKY NAME HERE lives in. Full of quirky people with quirks.
THAT KENNEDY GUY
This film tells the story of four friends who remain emotionally unaffected by Kennedy’s assassination, following them in the moments after the fateful Dallas morning as they try to finish a crossword puzzle.
THE MAN WHO STARES AT THE STARS
This is one of those outer-space films which has nothing to do with the awesome possibilities of outer space. Instead it focuses on some asshole in Kansas who builds a kind of teflon or something and features his boring life contrasting his very normal relationship with his family and man’s powerful desires to reach into space. Lots of archival footage from the 60’s featuring crowds watching rocket launches and that adulterous piece of shit I mentioned in the last film.
A black movie that tells the black story about black pirates during the 1700’s. En route to America to be sold as slaves, a group of strong African men take over the ship, sailing it across the Caribbean pillaging whitey’s gold. Blackness seems to prevail, until some ludicrously one-dimensional racist from the East India Trading Company gets wind that a bunch of black guys can steer a ship better than white men and decides to hunt them down. In the tradition of Spike Lee’s hypocritical masterpiece DO THE RIGHT THING, parallels are drawn between the actions of a group of thuggish hooligans who murder innocent people out of anger and the selfless heroes of the civil rights movement.
ALIEN EXCHANGE STUDENT
This is about a boy whose family moves into a new town and he doesn’t have any friends because he’s kind of a gay-wad. One day a mysterious alien visitor crash lands in his tree house and so he decides to dress him up in cool kid clothes and pass him off as his new best friend. Nausea abounds when the alien becomes popular because in some scene he hops on a skateboard and goes down a hill while all the neighborhood kids say things like “radical!” and “awesome!”
Some asshole who just published his best-selling memoir is forced to return to his embarrassingly simple town after his mom dies. Reuniting with people from his past he realizes that his life as he has envisioned it is not what he thought it was. Occasional humor and uplifting message of deliverance from life’s heavy baggage are what you’ll learn.
After a car bomb blows up in Kairo or something this left-wing reporter decides to travel to the Middle East to do a story hoping to illustrate the plight of Palestinians and the evils of US foreign policy. What follows is a series of loosely intertwined narratives teaching us how complicated Arab culture is and how we all need to like, just take a step and look at it and stuff. Oil contracts are mentioned 800 times.
WHOSE LAWN IS IT ANYWAY?
Two old bastards live beside each other, and one is white and the other guy is black. After a disagreement over the black guy’s massively ugly tree, public records are dug up which indicate that the property lines between their two homes are hazy, leading to massively unfunny scenarios as the two try to drive each other away. See “Phil’s Piano Solo” for musical score in possible trailer (the Wilhelm Scream of unfunny old people comedies).
MOON PATROL: THE MOVIE
Adapted from the popular Atari game, Moon Patrol is a rollercoaster ride about a group of top-secret NASA mercenaries who patrol the moon. As a radioactive disturbance disrupts communications from the moon base, the Moon Patrol is sent to “Sector 9” of the moon to investigate. Back at the base, some stir-crazy psychologist has secretly set up the disturbance in order to send the Moon Patrol on a suicide mission. Armed only with the ability to use their “Moon Buggy” to make small jumps and shoot little squares, the Moon Patrol must face obstacle after obstacle (tedious amounts of moon craters) to make it back to the Moon Base in time.
THE KICKING HORSE
All-American girl Katie Belrose is kidnapped by three men wearing strange masks. They tie her up, tease her skin with a welding torch, then tie her down to a table where they shove needles in her eyeballs, pour scalding oil on her chest, and proceed to torture her for 87 minutes. Vague flashbacks provide illusion of plot as spooky music/masks give one the feeling that this is a horror movie and not a snuff film.
BLESSED ARE THE GREASE MONKEYS
Jesus returns to Earth but is struck and killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street to announce his return. Now an average lunkhead with a passion for booze and two prior DUI’s will have to pass himself off as the prophet until he can figure out how the heck he’ll get out of this one!
SHAKING ERNIE AUTISM
A case of mistaken identity results in a man being misdiagnosed with autism. The resulting treatment he gets from people allows him to no longer have to answer people’s stupid questions and so he becomes happy until his fiancé ruins it. There would be a scene where he would not know what autistic people act like so in order to fool the orderlies at some hospital he would stick his arms out like a mummy and start wobbling around. Hilarious!