Behold The Only Thing Greater Than Yourself

While I realize that my year-long absence from the interwebs has most likely been met with an overwhelming chorus of chirping crickets, I also realize that it was chirping crickets which forced Screen Gems to bring “Underworld” back to your local cinema in what film critics are describing as “uniformly awful”, “pointless”, and “Number 1 Movie In America!”. Incidentally, it was the crickets which penned early drafts of the film in a kind of emergent chirping binary that also picked this year’s 10 Best Picture Nomineezzzzzzz…

Nevertheless I return a new man– accomplished businessman, failed writer, and expectant father. Babies are becoming quite the life change this year (Mr. Beard just had his), and I figured what better way to re-enter the blogosphere than changing direction in 2012 by focusing this blog on all things expectant father. That means baby product reviews, maternity tips, and detailed anecdotes about funny things that happen each day in my expectant father life (you are going to LOVE the conversations my wife and I have had surrounding French baby names).

I know this is a big tonal shift but we’ve got a lot to get to…

You said it Sinclair!

To start, I’m looking at the Graco True Focus Digital Video Monitor. This is essentially a baby monitor that features a digital camera to broadcast your child’s movements to you and your spouse, and any local pedophile who happens to pick up the signal (it’s digitally secure but that means nothing to a crafty pedophile but good sport) . Now I should warn you that we don’t actually have the baby yet, it’s still about 6 months off, and I don’t actually have the Graco True Focus Digital Video Monitor, but from what I’ve seen based on marketing materials and other reviewer comments leads me to believe this product provides high video quality, digital zoom, and isn’t emitting any brain tumor-causing signals like a cell phone probably would if you put it next to your baby’s head. In addition, the battery life is a whole 2.5 hours which means this thing can run practically the entire night, so long as you live in either Alaska or Argentina.

Setup is fairly simple. Just pick a good time when nobody’s around and you won’t get distracted, and set the camera piece somewhere inconspicuous, like behind some stuffed animals or a jewelry box on her nightstand. A piece of duct tape is handy in concealing the red “recording” light on the unit if it seems like it’s too bright or could give away its location. Once you have the camera secure it’s just a matter of finding a place within the 1000 ft. range of the device where you can quietly watch, and wait. It’s incredibly how some things can be so close and so far away.

Next up is this wooden toy thing from the folks at Swedish company BabyBjorn:

This product, which consists of a black wire run through seven pieces of polished wood, costs exactly $39.95, which is currently the stock price of Batman: Arkham City, which consists of a digitally rendered, open-world Gotham City, which is a fictional location that had to be painstakingly created by piecing together thousands of pages of source material into a realistic 3D environment that incorporated not only dozens of characters (voice acted by talents such as Mark Hamill & Kevin Conroy) but also the real-time physicals of combat, flight, and gravity into an almost limitless number of potential storylines and outcomes. The wooden fixtures on the BabyBjorn can be turned clock-wise and counter-clockwise.

It’s good to be back!

Finding the next great lunatic on YouTube

After the tragedy in Tucson, I thought about enriching your lives with a thoughtful piece describing the dangers of peppering violent rhetoric over conspiracy theories, but after watching 3 days of CNN I felt like the term “violent rhetoric” had been repeated so often it became meaningless, and so has the entire tragedy in the scope of what Jon Stewart described as the 24 hour “conflictinator”, so instead of joining the conversation I’ve decided to look forward to the horizon, where somewhere another lunatic is providing warning signs I can capitalize on.

I realized that behind every rampage is an asshole whose YouTube account consists of rambling gibberish, gun poses, and that dreadful “Let the bodies hit the floor” song. They’re all intertwined. So I’ve set out to discover the next kook before he strikes so that I can comment on his videos in a way which will seem not only prophetic, but will hopefully drive some traffic my way once he goes on a killing spree and snags 1 million views. Nothing terrible, just a short “One day the nation will mourn your actions… in the meantime check out my blog. leave comments plz”. If all goes as planned, the resulting run-off may be big enough that I can sell t-shirts or even open that amusement park I’ve always dreamed of.

This isn’t as easy as it looks. There are literally millions of morons posting their inane mum to YouTube every minute. Finding this person will require special search filters. First, I’m setting my results to look for the lowest rated, least-viewed videos first, as dangerous psychopaths generally don’t have any followers. Second, I’m looking for certain “trigger” words that tend to be part of the lunatic lexicon: government, corporation, mind control, and fluoride.

Right out the gate I have one video which sticks out as particularly kooky, and has something to do with Lucifer and the New World Order. It’s difficult to discern as it’s mostly just random images of shit…

A slow start, but at least we’re getting somewhere. But look at this next video. It has all the hallmarks of a lonely, deranged psychopath: bad music, terrible fonts, and he appears to be railing against nobody in general…

I chose this next video as something of a wild card, as women are generally incapable of going on rampages (except on certain days of the month, amirite?). If you were looking for a something with Ally Sheedy circa 1985 eating brownies, this is exactly the video you were looking for, entitled “Revenge”…

While the previous entries have been strange and mostly terrible, the lower the view count drops the deeper we get into crazy country. This next video may have been produced by that woman that keeps stalking Mowrer to read his script…

OMG! Squirrel band!

And the winner, with over 300 batshit uploads…  the master of mania, the wizard of wacko, the mullah of mental illness, this guy…

Did I mention over 300 uploads? This gentlemen has posted 313 videos, each consisting of nothing more than a few fragments of gibberish filled in with little drawings and a couple voice-overs. Surely we will one day be forced to stare at his mugshot while a picture-in-picture displays grieving relatives laying wreaths outside a hospital. Just remember, K.G. discovered him first!

This Film Should be Banned

In 1975, Pier Paolo Pasolini wrote and directed a film called “Salo – 120 Days of Sodom”, a shockingly grotesque film depicting rape, torture, and just about every act of human cruelty one could imagine. Shortly after the film’s release, Pasolini was murdered, and it was rumored that the assailant, who ran over the director repeatedly with his car, had done so after watching the film and becoming outraged. These stories are prevalent from the 70s, when Grindhouse films were rumored to cause film riots where local patrons, confused by what they just saw, would tear about the local cinema during the end credits.

There are very few instances I can recall where I have been so disgusted by a work of art that I became physically angry—Salo certainly was a gruesome piece of work, and Naked Lunch put me into a stir, but nothing so horrifying that I would advocate censorship or having a piece of work banned outright for the greater good… that is, until I watched Martyrs last night.

There has never been a place in my heart for “torture porn” films. I have no interest in them, either as art or entertainment, but it came highly recommended that I rent a film from Netflix called Martyrs, which had apparently done the impossible: film a torture porn movie with an actual story, characters, and a point. And in this regard Martyrs was a huge success. For those fortunate enough to have never watched this movie, it’s about a young girl who escapes being tortured by a mysterious group of kidnappers, only to hunt them down 10 years later in order to figure out why they were doing it. What she discovers is a conspiracy which is as horrifying as the torture which ensues – a “Lost” type puzzle where the last piece makes you wish you weren’t human, that you had never seen the film, and that you could just crawl into a corner, shove your fingers in your ears and go “la la la la la” forever.

The member reviews on Netflix for Martyrs speak for themselves. People are very upset about this movie. Some call it genius, others seem to think that it’s pure trash. But for a small, independent movie to rack up 400+ reviews over the course of a year makes a tremendous statement about how one movie can bring out a lot of emotion. And here’s just a sampling of what people had to say:

“I never write reviews on this forum, but I felt compelled to do so, and this isn’t so much a review as it is a warning to anyone interested in this film… PLEASE DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!!! Honestly, it was the most disturbing, masochistically violent film I have ever watched.”

“Imagine ‘Hostel’ on crack, directed by Hitler who was inspired by the ‘Saw’ movies, and ‘Pin Head’ was his producer. And you have this film. Be warned.”

“ I just finished watching ‘Martyrs.’ I cannot imagine who I can recommend this film to. It is horrible and horrific. And – although I hesitate to say – it is brilliant. The film goes beyond anything I’ve ever seen horror wise.”

Every so often, I believe a work of art is able to transcend our most visceral feelings of outrage and shock and become something worse: corrupt. This is a wholly corrupt film, which says a lot considering the decade of films which just passed. Martyrs is one of the most twisted, unnatural, and dangerous films of the last ten years.  I have my own feelings about the asinine nature of the film ratings system, but I can’t imagine how a civilized society can’t have some kind of mechanism in place that would prevent children from watching this film with the same sense of urgency as we might have in protecting them from using needle drugs. And there is no amount of free speech or artistic integrity that can outweigh the damage a film like Martyrs can cause to the greater good. There are ideas in this film that shouldn’t be entertained, on par with some of the worst conceptions of humanity– eugenics, the inquisition, the genocide of an entire race. They’re small sparks of ideas that she be stomped out before they can infect us.

And now that you probably want to watch it, I’ll warn you– don’t. Absolutely no good can come from it.

I guess that I’ve loved you for too long

I’m not ready to write this year off as a loss, but I am ready to take full responsibility for it. This December I spent some time travelling, wrapping up some projects, and dumping the two scripts I wrote this year as irreparable trash. It wasn’t a good year for robots or hellmouths, and I haven’t felt funny in a long while. Time to start over. To start from scratch.

Nick, take me out…

Sorry about the lack of posts. I’m busy writing, my work days are insane, and the entire state is under a fucking missile attack. On top of that, the great and loveable Roxy, our prize Cocker Spaniel, has come down with the sniffles. At least we think it’s the sniffles. Is that where you lay on the floor for five days not moving or eating?

In other news, MGM filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. While browsing the internet hoping that inspiration would spark a joke I could use at MGM’s expense, I was a little shocked to find that you can watch a lot of MGM’s old catalogue online, for free, on their website. With titles like “Beach Kings”, “The Vagrant”, and “Pieces of April”, it’s a mystery as to how they found themselves actually losing money on their cinematic endeavors.

In the midst of my artistic binging and drinking of Miller Light (20 bottles for $12 dollars at CVS this week btw), I’ve become entranced with the lovely sounds of Built to Spill, and their “Perfect from Now On” record, which is like some kind of 90′s indie rock wonder album. You can seriously let your brain just fade to lovely garbage in these fuzzy riffs.

In honor of Halloween…

Busy writing– no time to post. But because Halloween is such an honored tradition in many of your households, I’ve decided to dishonor it by posting a video each day of the worst fucking music from an 80′s horror movie soundtrack that I could possibly find. Starting with these guys. It’s Dokken, with a song that was clearly written at 2:00 AM the night before the track was due. I imagine the conversation went something like this…

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #1: “Shit, you guys, wasn’t that song due tomorrow?”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #2: “Man, I’m so high on cocaine right now I can’t feel my tongue.”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO: #1: “Save me some. What was the name of this movie again? Where’s Steve?”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #3: “Steve just climbed onto the balcony. He said he has angel wings.”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #4: “Dream Warriors, man.”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #1: “Don’t we have some old song sitting around that I can just sing the words ‘dream warriors’ over the chorus? Let’s just do that, man. Take some song of ours and just sing ‘dream warriors’ over and over again. People will tie that shit to the film’s title. I’ll sing, ‘We’re the dream warriors, just want to keep dreaming some more…”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #2: “Dude, I think dreams are a bad thing in this movie.”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #1: “Fuck it. We’ll sort it out. Where’s Steve?”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #3: “Steve’s gone crazy, man! Steve said that music, especially rock music, goes in cycles and that what’s popular today may lose traction with younger audiences as they get older and develop more sophisticated tastes. Steve said that particularly those bands who’ve chosen to brand themselves as part of a very distinct look and sound will quickly become dated as new styles gain popularity. Changes in popular culture, as well as politics and fashion can have a heavy influence on music trends. Steve said that we should begin looking at our long-term fiscal strategy by investing what we have now in sensible, low-risk mutual funds which yield short, sustained growth over prolonged periods of time.”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #2: “Steve’s a genius! Let’s do that!”

BIG-HAIRED BOZO #1: “Yeah!”

TOP TEN LEAST INTRIGUING HORROR MOVIES ON NETFLIX

It’s that time of year again. No, not when I disappear for weeks without posting. But—actually, that too. Halloween is here! And like many of you, I use this as an opportunity to show my wife films she wouldn’t have any motive to watch otherwise.

I use Netflix streaming. And while I like their selection of documentaries, old scifi action flicks, and 70s drama, their horror selection is a “who’s who” of “who the fuck made this?” And most of the time, I find myself scrolling from screen to screen wondering how many of these films got one star. A star rating implies that somewhere in the universe, someone clicked on the title, found the premise intriguing, and proceeded to sit through 90+ minutes of serial killers, asylums, and asylums overrun by serial killers. In a way, I don’t blame the movie for sucking as much as I blame the individual who lacks a basic understanding of Marketing 101 to know that if the poster looks like a flyer for the local metal band, chances are this film isn’t going to be setting the bar very high.

I’ve compiled my list of the ten that I simply can’t wrap my head around in terms of why anybody in their right fucking mind would watch them. In no particular order:

1. SCREAMPLAY

“Aspiring screenwriter Edgar Allen works as a janitor for room and board at the Welcome Apartments, a run-down building filled with freaky characters and bizarre plot twists that wriggle their way into Edgar’s horror movie script.”

A horror film about screenwriting. Interestingly enough, they chose to go with fiction. And to think, they could have asked any one of you how your day went.

2. THE MANITOU

“When Karen tries to have a tumor removed, she discovers it’s actually the deformed fetus of an ancient Native American shaman ready to be reincarnated.”

Well, we did take their land. And if that doesn’t sell you, check out the cover. Look to the upper left, then slowly drag your eyes down to the lower right. Your brain tells you that Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo will be sitting there. Incredibly, they’re not.

3. THE FALLING

““Three teenagers in Spain drive through a town where the space station Skylab crashed several years earlier, bringing with it alien organisms that transform their human hosts into flesh-eating monsters.”

Based on the the 1935 musical by Cole Porter.

4. AMONG US

“Budding filmmaker Billy D’Amato wants his low-budget horror movie to be as realistic as possible. That’s why he’s brought his crew deep into the woods to try and get footage of a Bigfoot-like creature.”

Oh, that’s why he brought the crew out into the woods? I thought it was because they were looking for something like, ya know, scary.

5. KILLER BASH

“For 30 years, the tormented spirit of Robert Hyde has sought revenge on the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

Even the characters are finding it hard to keep their eyes open.

6. WICKED LAKE

“Four beautiful coeds retreat to a mountain lake for some weekend R&R, but their holiday is shattered when four creepy admirers show up at their cabin.”

The lake is wicked but the scenery is gorgeous this time of year.

7. GHOST FEVER

“This campy comedy features zombies, vampires, a dancing mummy and the most rockin’ haunted house ever.”

This one is so bad that Netflix doesn’t even offer it in a straight search. It redirects you to “Ghost” starring Patrick Swayze, who ironically is now actually a ghost. Needless to say, ComicSans over a photo of two old black guys isn’t going to give anyone the heebie jeebies, unless they’re running for President.

8. BLOOD HOOK

““Camp and carnage make for a perfect catch in this schlocker. When hordes of anglers besiege a normally serene lake to try their luck in an annual fishing competition, the underwater critters aren’t the only ones in danger of being gutted.”

Somewhere there’s a Jimmy Buffett album with a section missing from the liner notes.

9. MOM

“Proving that flesh-eating monsters don’t practice age discrimination…”

Remember that classic horror movie back in the 80s starring Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen about the two garbage men who… no? Well here’s a hint for budding horror writers. If your title makes me think of something from my childhood that was innocuous, loveable, and sometimes really annoying, it probably isn’t a good title for a horror film. And if it is based on something from my childhood, don’t call it “Rubix Cube”. Call it “Cube”. Same exact thing. Different interpretation.

10. THE CHAMPAGNE CLUB

““Four thrill-seeking intellectuals book a stay at a remote tropical villa, where they find the retreat stocked with exquisite food, the finest champagne, works of art and drugs…”

I think I saw these guys open for The Dandy Warhols back in ’99. They were that crappy band that dressed like hipsters that nobody really liked until everybody started dressing like hipsters, then they had that video on YouTube with the treadmills and became popular.

Not a Fan of Superman

I never connected with Superman. It wasn’t because he fought for truth, or justice, both of which I’m huge proponents of. It was that whole “American Way” thing that always rubbed me the wrong way. I had a hard time believing that of all the nations on this planet, the promise of cheap Chinese goods being purchased on bad credit by overweight line workers was the “way” that Superman envisioned as the ideal standard of humanity. Especially considering his physique and mental prowess, Superman most likely looked at the American citizen the way an 18^th century dandy might look at a prostitute on Crenshaw.

Superman is a hero for a different age. An age of unrealistic, unobtainable standards. His only weakness was kryptonite, a substance so rare it only existed in the comic book which bares Superman’s name. And that’s not really a weakness so much as it’s a plot device. A real character weakness would have Superman chasing tail like Don Draper, or forced to bark every time he sees black people.

This cartoon illustrates my problem with Superman in less than two minutes:

As you’ve probably heard, Zack Snyder has confirmed that he will be directing Superman for Warner Bros:

“I’ve been a big fan of the character for a long time, he’s definitely the king of all superheroes, he’s the one,” Snyder, who directed Watchmen and 300, told me. “It’s early yet, but I can tell you that what David and Chris have done with the story so far definitely has given me a great insight into a way to make him feel modern. I’ve always felt he was kind of awesome. I’ll finish Sucker Punch and get right at it.”

I think Snyder did a much better job on Watchmen than he got credit for, and he’s one of the few directors out there that I think really “gets it” as far as what audiences in this age will go bonkers over. I’m very curious to see what his vision is for this modern Superman.

SDD

Everybody Move to Cali and Smoke Lots of Pot

New polling shows 52% support for Proposition 19, the not-so-controversial ballot measure that would legalize marijuana in California. I’m not sure how I feel about this. One the one hand, it’s about bloody time. But on the other hand, I know that somehow the folks in Northern California will find a way to turn what should be a small victory for civil liberties into a carnival of dope-smoking baboons masquerading through Berkley preaching the gospel according to Woodie Harrelson. I love California, but Jesus knows I get tired of defending it every time I leave the state.

Having worked for many years in a drug-related industry, I can tell you that even if this measure were to pass, it faces a long, uphill battle in becoming actual law. Substances are criminalized at the federal level, which classifies narcotics both legal and illegal in various categories. While California may determine that marijuana is legal, the FDA (which determines the scheduled class of controlled substances) will still categorize marijuana as “unscheduled” and therefore illegal at the federal level. So while smoking pot in your Los Angeles suburb may very well be within your protected rights under the jurisdiction of local law enforcement, the DEA, FBI, ATF, DHS, and any other federal agency will still defer to the FDA classification.

I know what you’re thinking, when do I ever deal with a federal agency? The truth is, all the time. Travel, home ownership, drug testing, student loans, and even insurance can still fall within federal jurisdiction. And while those agencies currently don’t care about whether or not you smoke pot, should this measure pass, you can be sure that the rest of the 49 states will care, and will petition their senators and congressman to pass tougher legislation to see that those dope-smoking baboons in Berkley aren’t benefiting on their federal dime.

And there’s also the issue of the marijuana entertainment industry. Pot has helped finance a multi-million dollar empire of embarrassingly unfunny films, bad music, horrendous artwork, and other nickel-and-dime stoner shit that could become obsolete once pot becomes part of the mainstream. Or, for lack of a cultural alternative, that whole 420 baboon-fest could grow even larger and more obnoxious. I’ve created this graph to illustrate:

What does this mean for you, the writer? Degrade your talent by writing lots of stoner-based comedies focusing on white, middle-class suburbanites suddenly experiencing the effects of marijuana for the first time. Personally, I have faith in “CHAIRMAN OF THE BONG” as the script that will have me sipping cocktails with Hollywood’s power players.

And now for something completely awful…

Ever since we moved, I have to pass the Trinity Broadcasting Network every time I need to buy anything from Target. I don’t know how much they pay them to have sex with Jesus, but that spread is fantastic. Much smaller than it looks on television, but still the perfect hideout for J.C. and his gang to use for chopping dope and stashing stolen motorcycle parts.

I stumbled upon this little gem the other day from Christian pop sensation Carmen, who wrote a song about the rapid increase in crime during the early 90′s as the direct result of a Supreme Court ruling that limited public prayer in school. Incidentally, anyone who read Freakonomics knows that statistical analysis actually points to the legalization of abortion in Rowe v. Wade back in ’73 as the catalyst for the suddenly rapid decrease in crime throughout the rest of the 90′s.

Liquid Television

Long before the internet provided a constant stream of some random asshole’s artwork, MTV had a show called “Liquid Television”, which was essentially a stream of some random asshole’s artwork. Typically aired after midnight, the show was the perfect kind of crack cocaine to feed your television after you’d spent a long night hitchhiking home because you were too stoned to call your parents.  The show featured animation, short films, and what could barely be considered music videos. It was also the program that launched “Aeon Flux” as well as “Beavis and Butthead” and the rough sketch “Milton” which would become the basis for “Office Space”.

In honoring the irreverent and wildly independent spirit of the show, enjoy a few of my favorite segments. And notice how with Aeon Flux, six minutes of animation, with no dialogue, conveys more information about a dystopic future than I wasted watching two hours of “Babylon A.D.”.

Aeon Flux

Waz not Was – Dad I’m In Jail

Stick Figure Theater